In my head there is a science to this dating gig...perhaps it's
because this week 5 years ago my marriage imploded (June 8 is my day today).
I have spent every moment since studying this business of being single
after cultural norms which tell us how to lock down a life with our soul mate
slide across the field with their skirt over their \head…waa waa waa.
I have been asked so many
times what happened and how I became a matchmaker. These two things are in fact
related and conveniently served by my education in behavioral science and
biochemistry. I will explain how beaker became…beaker. I do feel that equal to
my passion and my education, is my personal experience. Because I want you to
bear your soul and know you are safe with me, I do feel that I owe you that
story. It is coming to you somewhere near July 17th, but not today. Today, we
are going to talk about one of my absolute favorite lessons in dating.
Why is it my fav you ask? When my baby and second son came to me a
little tattered from life, as he often will being sensitive and fascinated by
life and everyone in it, I will ask him where he left his power. I will then
pull more power out of my pocket and pour it like fairy dust into his
precious, perfect little hand. He will then rub it in like lotion all over his
heart. I wish my dear one, that I could do that for you too. Please know this
little Beaker serves this job with a Mother’s heart and you are all mine, once
you are mine you are mine until I get to pass you off to your soul mate.
It all begins with a glance. If you will keep in mind that we all
crave someone who finds us fascinating, who sees us as we were created. There
are so many reasons why someone catches our eye. There are so many ways we
attempt to get the attention of that curious creature…and there is a way that
works.
It’s really hard and super complicated. No!! Not really. It’s
really easy and requires very little skill. Here’s the trick! You hafta, hafta,
hafta get out of your own head. Since I already pulled the Mama card on you
earlier, I am now going to use it again. You are going to need to internalize
and assimilate… by that I mean learn and use … this fact: It is NONE of your
business what anyone thinks of you. I know sweetie. There’s a whole lotta life
that totally blows and that’s one of ‘em.
Here’s another hard lesson. You need to internalize and assimilate the
fact that you are AMAZING. The hard part of that is that you now need to
conduct yourself at all times knowing that is fact. So, now you can’t have any
reasonable or rational excuse to not execute the following. :0).
I need to talk to my girls first so guys, check scores or play a
game...or scratch something, but check out until this paragraph and the next
are over at the risk of growing ovaries. Girls, your job is to NOT pursue men.
Believe me when I tell you that all men even those who do not deserve you will lose
interest approximately 3 to 6 weeks after you begin pursuing them. May I remind
you that I have proven my rules to be so very true along with hundreds of other
singles, and other research? I don’t just sit behind a pretty desk and tell you
stuff. I’m in the field ladies and I will let you know when I am spewing theory.
Otherwise, you can rest assured that Beaker Speaks tried and true research in
the book and in the fields. When you see a guy who catches your eye, you may
let him know you are interested but you may not initiate lady!!! Do you here me
Jack? Do not go pounce on some dude for any reason at all. It’s not good and by
that I mean it’s sorta pathetic. Here’s what you do instead.
When you catch his glance the first time and your heart
goes...What?!...purrrr. It’s on. Now you wait. If he is interested he will look
again. This is why God gave you peripheral vision girls. Time to use it! When
he looks your way again, it is now time to pull out the thirteen year old diva
that we all keep locked and loaded. You smile... you may even head tilt, if you
are me then you may even twirl your hair but I AM ridiculous… then you SMILE AT
HIM and look away and at something else. Maybe your ipad, your phone, your
friends…really anywhere else but him is fine. This is where You Do Not Stutter. This is when
the ball is in your court and you close the deal with a smile and a blush,
right before the anything else captures your attention. The smile can linger
but that is all. Please remember in this moment that you are precious and
perfect and deserving. The ball is in his curt now. You may not do anything
else until he initiates. Ever…ever, ever. If this concept eludes you, please
watch the movie He’s Just Not That Into You at least twice.
Hello boys, welcome back! Girls, it’s time for you to do your
nails or something fun. Come back later. This is why you get to have a man card
and where the responsibility begins in which it could be revoked. Please note
the responsibility here is yours unless you want to replace said man card with
the man purse carrying douche card. The purse is a penance...FYI. You also have
to stick your neck out here. Remember I am playing the Mama card all over the
place here today and I am telling you what my little men will know, Do not play
with women like they are toys. I do have the authority to revoke your man card
and I will not hesitate to do it. It is
the highest privilege and makes you just below Christ to the right woman.
Regard it properly and fail it at your peril.
If you have a shelf where you place women while you are playing…
please delete this post and move on. You do not yet posses your man card or perhaps
you are recalibrating but the result is the same. You may come back when you
are ready to play as a whole man on life’s terms. I am a hard ass, I know and as
the mama of boys, it is what it is. Stand by for the recalibrating post and
return when you’ve cleared the level and slain the appropriate dragons. Kisses!
Since you have to stick your neck out, I do not want you going all
willy nilly and get your head chopped off by some scary chick. When that lady
catches your eye and you go in for the assessment, have the gumption to go over
and strike up a conversation. Say hello and tell her your name, get hers and
then give her genuine compliment. Buy her a drink or ask her to leave the pack
of chicks she travels with to talk with you one on one. Tell her she is pretty
and that you would like the chance to get to know her. Ask her if you can call
her TOMORROW. Let the record show, that is not 3 days from now. :0)!!
Ladies hate that and often, will not tolerate it. We interpret a
lack of once a day communication as disinterest or being a player, captivated
by women who are not us. That’s not good boys, if it is your wish to see her
naked at some point. Also, for the record, if you begin this line of interest
disingenuously, then I revoke your man card for 90 days and give nothing but
stage 4 clingers as a lesson. When you are too scared to handle your woman when
she shows up it truly breaks my heart because I almost always give her to
someone else who cherishes her when you would not. Sad face. This is avoidable.
When Your Lady shows up, please be ready. My point is this, self actualization
and transparency is always worth it even when it hurts. Surrounding your heart
in ice because it got hurt only ensures you will let your wife marry someone
else.
In all seriousness, when your eye catches someone else. Do it
right. Treat it as if it will be your last chance and if you can not do that…
Pull the rip cord. Bail out. You may hurt a precious soul who does not deserve
it and if you chicken out, then you may be passing up your future. Stay
connected to your heart and what it needs. And for the love of all things holy,
don’t treat souls like toys. If you pursue, be genuine and if you are
interested...BE!!! buckle up kids, this dating thing is not for sissies.
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