The 5 You Can't Live Without

I do lots of research and read anything that I can get my hands on to help me guide singles through dating life…myself included. I like to think that each of my singles have a dating start date and an end date that lands them in the relationship that lasts a lifetime. There are few greater emotional floods than that which occurs during a budding relationship. These range from fear to elation. Dating Strategy is well advised so that you can land in a relationship where both your needs and your partner's needs are met. Tackling a relationship without first knowing what it is that you need is silly. It's a lot like trying to hit a target in the dark room. SO many of my singles come to me having no idea how to approach choosing a partner by entering into the dating process by putting their needs first. I tell you, this is ok and critically important. Being self focused is in no way being selfish. Only bytrusting that you can depend on your partner to possess what you need to rely on, can you confidently build a life with them where you can meet their needs as well. 

One of my go to books was written by the Matchmaking Queen herself, Patti Stanger. Her book is called “Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate.“ In this book she outlines a great concept for outlining your "5 Non-Negotiables." Your 5 Non-Negotiables would be your true absolute deal breakers, those which ignoring would land you in a situation that has very little chance, if any, of meeting your needs longterm. Using Patti’s guideline will allow you to know if you are nit- picking yourself out of your viable relationship options or if you are sliding down the slippery slope of dismissing your needs.

Here’s how I interpret and use her advice on finding the 5 Non-Negotiables of your needs from a romantic partner in the long run. 

Take a blank piece of paper. Make 3 columns that go down the page.

At the top of the page the first column will be labeled 5 BEST QUALITIES. 

The middle Column will be labeled NAME. 

The last column will say 5 WORST QUALITIES.  

Then you will revisit your past 5 romantic relationships. You write their name in the center column. You will write the 5 best things that they brought to your life and to your relationship in the first column and you will write the 5 worst qualities that they brought to your life and to your relationship in the last column. If you don’t have 5 past romantic relationships, I say use the parents, grandparents and siblings of the same gender that you date in their place. My reasoning for this is that those are often the people who help us form the qualities that we choose from our relationships. At the end of this assignment, you will have a list of all the greatest things these relationships have brought to you and a list of all the unmitigated crap that you’ve been putting up with from your relationships.

Ok, now step 2. Take a long soulful look at the way you would like to be treated and what you deserve from a partner. What does your ideal relationship look like. Please be careful that you are using reality and not the Disney channel to form these expectations.With this in mind, use both columns of qualities you've experienced in relationships past and write down 5 simple statements that you can’t live without in a relationship. Only 5. Write them on a business card and carry them around in your wallet.

Here are mine:
1. Protector/Provider Spirit
2. Mentor and friend to my boys
3. Able to support my career and passion without being threatened or limiting to my choices.
4. Someone whose intelligence and career I admire
5. Lacking in effeminate qualities

After the third date or so… or whenever that point in time occurs that you find your heart ceomcing wrapped around this person, pull this card out and give it a gander. This usually occurs in the big middle of a dopamine high and the thrill of a new romance. Keep referring to this card through out the time that you are getting to know this person over the first several months. Be bold enough to admit to yourself when someone is wrong, pivot and move on. Be brave enough to accept that you can grow through the little annoyances and imperfections of someone who inspires and intrigues you when they say…meet your 5 Non-Negotiables but have a few extra pounds or a little less hair than you wish. My singles find this tool extremely helpful, as do I.

This business of looking at ourselves squarely in the mirror and facing single life with a boldness and confidence that allows us to draw in and accept the right partner is not easy, but it’s totally worth it. I challenge you to define your 5 Non-Negotiables and to have them in your wallet when we meet again to explore more about the Rules of Dating.

Happy Dating!~Amanda