Check Your Deserve Level

Deserve Level is one of those terms that came about through working with countless individuals who share the experience of having been made to feel inherently inadequate and broken.  Be it derived from parents who lack the nurturing spirit we crave, lovers who mistreat us or friends who betray our trust, anyone who rips holes in our spirit can contribute to us abandoning the basic survival skills of meeting our own needs.  Shoot! Some of us only need a mirror and that voice in our head to get the job done! We would never allow someone to speak to a person we love the way we are willing to speak to ourselves. For Pete’s Sake that’s just silly.

Damaged Deserve level just leaks out of us in the things we say and do and in the partners we choose. If we all treated each other as if we wore a t-shirt that said “MAKE ME FEEL IMPORTANT,” then we could build ourselves by building others. If we dared to go inside of ourselves long enough to patch up the wounds and fortify our souls with the knowledge of what actually serves our needs, then we could approach our dating life with the tenacity and confidence that we deserve. We could dare to pick a partner who is good enough for us and when needed acknowledge that one exists.

Shall we take a peek inside that dark, scary neighborhood that is our head? We have so much to learn when we look at what it looks like to the passersby when we forget to take our tool belts within and therefore go without the structural remodel that we deserve when a relationship kicks us square in the butt.  We can go together, there is power in numbers.  Isn’t it just a little creepy how the relationships of years past can resemble the parts of ourselves that we really needed to take a jack hammer to? Those traits we’d like to sweep under the rug in ourselves ended up being the most prevalent characteristics of those we chose to spend most of our time and thoughts with? Insert chuckle here. It makes is easier to swallow the suck.

Let me be the first to say that I have cleared them all. I have the scars and bruises to prove it!! Also, let’s just admit that when something pisses us off, it’s usually the case that we have stumbled upon a truth that we are not yet willing to tackle. If we can agree on that point and you agree to give me permission to speak my Beaker mind without taking it personally, then you are invited to proceed. If not! Do not pass go! Stop here and return next week. (GRIN)

Self-sabotage comes in a rainbow of presentations and sometimes even sparkles…the most shiny of the self-sabotage repertoire is that of the ridiculous diva attitude. Gentlemen you are not off the hook here! Ladies tend to frequent this particular realm more often and in heels no less. But I have seen many of raging hissy fits from men as well. If there are more people who just aren’t good enough for you and if you find yourself needing to condescend to others to convey how special you are…my friend grab your boa and tiara. You are a grand diva desirous.  A true diva will dote on their partner and fulfill their needs by uplifting those around them. The true dive attracts rather than repels and needs to tell no one how fabulous they are. This truly comes from the lowest of self value and these divas really just need a hug and some praise.

Oh the hissy fits I’ve endured from The frantic ninja…  this self-sabotage typically  is found amongst very intelligent, very round souls who prefer to attack Beaker than to attack a stair master. When reality bites, resist the urge to bite back. You will usually only end up chewing your own arm off.  When dating is more of a disconnect than a fluid and fun experience, I would send you back to the Laws of Attraction.  At the end of the day the dating jungle is ruled by those who follow the rules. If you don’t like your place on the food chain, change it. Lighting your dates on fire, or your beaker, only serves to land you alone, without companionship or the respect of those who meet you. The frantic ninja is usually a very fragile creature who needs love and a hug even when they are slicing you in half.

Negative Nelly is easily spotted. This self-sabotage is usually marked by having a barrage of complaints and problems come spilling out each time their mouth is open. These souls unwittingly drain the people around them. It can literally feel like you are carrying them around on your back. Everyone has problems and annoyances in life. Everyone’s work is demanding. Let’s face this one head on too, if anyone liked their ex, they wouldn’t be an EX! Dating is supposed to be fun, not free therapy. Your man or your woman deserves your best, not your baggage. When you’re this much of a drag when it’s supposed to be fun, can you imagine what is expected when life hits the dirt? This is usually a soul whose needs are not being met. We all crave love and attention. We get love and attention a different way.

 The WIIFM (wyfum) used to be a very elusive creature, but its threat as a species is over and its numbers are growing at a healthy rate. The WIIFM- What’s In It For ME?!  This self-sabotaging creature will actually make you feel guilty for expecting your needs to be considered as well. How dare you!! I kid! When you only want someone there according to your schedule or when something works for you. You belong to this species. Often adorable and intriguing like a mogwai (the cuddly gremlin) but expectation and equal consideration is like adding water. Holy cow! Watch out! This one lands you alone and worse. This one will cause you to lose the respect of the people who call you friend as well.  It’s usually not malicious in intent but stems from being over scheduled, over tired, over worked and underappreciated. But it is toxic to a new relationship however innocent it may be.

The Island. I don’t need anyone. This self-sabotage is usually just a wall built by someone who has been used, taken for granted and tossed a way. It’s ok to be alone. It’s not ok to be alone and wish you had a soul mate.

Perfection on a stick. I’m already doing everything right! It’s everyone else that needs to get a clue. If this is true….let’s look. When was your last fulfilling relationship? It’s time to dislodge the stick and follow the rules. It’s handy to remember… Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Courtney-ism 1239…she tells me this all the time. I’m slow, I need things repeated. Again, this reaction is often sourced by souls who were told they are worthless by someone who should have loved them. The soul knows it’s infinitely valuable and is just trying to be heard.

Here’s how it can be…  Imagine your next relationship beginning like this metaphor.. Ok it’s not a metaphor but don’t you dare say this literally to your dates. Here’s who I am. Here’s what I need. I would like to get to know you and find out if you can meet those needs and make life more than it is without you. Can we agree to say what we mean and be as transparent as possible? I will try to be patient and always give you the benefit of the doubt. Will you make your best effort to return that favor? I will do my best to consider your needs as my own. Wanna make out? Good stuff huh?! That's the reflection of a proper deserve level.

Listen, if we can’t laugh at ourselves on this journey to rewriting the rules of an antiquated dating world,  then we are all going down together on our sinking ship. Don’t take any of this personally. Be objective. And if you have something to say, I implore you to press the comment button and share in the discussion. It is anonymous and will always be. I get lots of reviews by private email…which I love!!!

Now I want you to write down each time you find yourself kicking your mental butt. Write the gist of what you said to yourself. Now write down a counter to it. Like chess, or war! Reset your belief process. Each thing has an opposite that is probably more true. If this is particularly hard, get a therapist. It is time. Now dig out a rubber band. Wear it around your wrist and snap it each time you tell yourself something mean about you or let some negative comment spill out of your mouth. It works like this…What you think, you say. What you say, you do. What you do, you have. Make sure what you think is what you want. How is someone going to love and respect you if you don’t care to do it yourself?