The Graceful Exit

This is a term that is great in concept and a difficult execution. In theory this is the part of The Dating Strategy where you realize in the first phase of dating that your new friend is just that, a friend and not more. There are many reasons which may lead us to the conclusion that this person is not for us.

This little Beaker and the clients that I have worked with over the past few years have found setting rules for predictable and unavoidable dating situations to be helpful. In my own dating strategy I have chosen to go ahead and work this expectation into the conversation early into the deal. When it becomes apparent that we are going to be spending time together on a regular basis, I find it comforting to mention that if there is a reason we should not continue to explore a relationship that we decidedly become friends and try to avoid hurt feelings with honesty.

Now as much as we may want to, you just can’t go around throwing a rule book on the table with a new person in your life. It would be fabulous to treat one another with respect and it would be super to have a defined cultural standard for these situations, but we do not. The thing with the graceful exit is that you can use this function whether you are on the administering end or on the receiving end. Perhaps it is easier to begin defining the graceful exit by giving a few scenarios that are not a graceful exit. The goal is to pivot and move forward on our single journey with our dignity in tact right? ...Right?!

Ok so, not so graceful tactics of ending a relationship include becoming a phantom. It’s just rude to be all into someone and then vanish with no explanation. Here is an opportunity to use the forthcoming strategy. Being a coward isn’t cool and skulking away without explanation is in fact being a coward. As is, treating them as your own personal toy that you can take of the shelf as you please and pay no attention to unless convenient for you. If you change your mind or discover a new shiny object of affection, then tell the person you’re not feeling it and let them know you are peacing out. Integrity is the life event under which this particular one falls.

Another one is the blame game. Some folks just don’t operate at the same speed or even on the same planet as you do. This is not their fault. They are not wrong because the dating effort ended in a swing and a miss. Listen, Jack! This Dating thing is not for sissies. 

I want all whose eyes find this page to pay close attention to the next point!! Nobody owes you a darn thing in this game of love. You are not entitled to an explanation no matter how deserving you may be to one. You can not expect to be heard or to earn another minute of their time when the object of your affection has checked out. This is where we dating ninjas learn to employ a life skill called emotional management. What is emotional management you say?

Emotional Management is the highly actualized ability to realize that your hurt feelings and pissed off- ed-ness (Yea, that’s what I said) is YOUR issue NOT their issue. Let’s take a deep breathe and refill the coffee while we process that one.

What this means is that when things fall apart, zig or zag in a direction in which you do not approve, or when your sweetie doesn’t experience the same value that you do, or fails to see happily ever after as you do….You can not blame them. I highly recommend that you refer back to the rules and phases of dating and check your reality against your choices. If you aren’t getting what you wish, chances are you found somebody else’s fish. Throw them back into the pond. It will be fine and dandy. I am not saying that you should let someone treat you without respect and I am encouraging you to draw a line in the sand and require anyone you meet to treat you as you would treat them. There are douche bags in the water and gators so please do BEWARE. So in the land of civility we will move forward.

This is where I get to go all Beaker on your cute little self because there is a reason why the cadence of a relationship begins with dating. And there is a reason why you should protect your heart, your head and your pants from pre-mature umm…. Well prematurity. I’m gonna leave it at that for now. There are all sorts of feel good chemicals and primal drives that go on in your brain chemistry when you find someone that makes you feel warm and fuzzy. There is also a super deeply engrained sense of your psyche and its processes working right along side of those chemicals. When you find someone who’s got the warm and fuzzy triggers in the right order and who is hitting the bullet points on those confounded checklists we carry around with us, you may find yourself deep in the throws of a swirling head. And I highly recommend that you revere it according to your genetics. That applies to both my guys and my girls…yay!!! We are taught this as teens but we chuck it as grown ups. We shouldn’t.

It’s perfectly natural to hit the freak out button when your feelings get hurt. So, I suggest that when you are in a good place that you develop An Action Plan for emotional management. Then when the feathers hit the fan, you can go into MANAGEMENT MODE which is much more dignified than freak out mode. Yes baby doll, that is an actual thingy and it works! Once upon a time back in my business training days when I was all wide eyed and bushy tailed, some smart fella taught me that a critical skill in executive management is gathering data while waters are calm. Making a decision on possible outcomes and then.. hold onto your hat….. executing those decisions when the need arises. How about that! Simple enough. That’s what we are doing here, samesies!

Here’s an action plan that has worked with me and many of my singles. Hang on, you are going to need to whip out the 5 Non-Negotiables from the blog post The 5 You Can’t Live Without. Ya know, the ones you keep in your wallet or smartphone at all times. {Sidebar: If you have not yet done this for yourself, I give you a head tilt and a one eye closed glare. And ask you, “If you are going to half ass this, are you willing to have your whole ass handed to you and be all sad?”}. Knowing your 5 deal breakers arms you with the most critical tool for navigating your road map into a successful relationship. 

The action plan goes like this, when you identify reasons why any or many of these 5 non-negotiables (shout out to Patti Stanger for giving us this tool) are not going to be working out for you in this relationship, you have a conversation with yourself and perhaps you could include a spiritual source in this conversation. My go to is Jesus, we go back years. You then need to let it go. Accept defeat or failure or missed chances. Then you need to communicate this respectfully and with compassion to your new friend.

This is not the time to go over a laundry list of their shortcomings or lack of ability to check off the bullet points on your checklist. Hence, the graceful exit and not the rude, bitchy exit. You are going to know which form of communication is most appropriate. Oh and honey, if they are an ass, you can be a little bitchy….but just a teeny bit so that they know not to touch fire. The high road is always best but Jesus did throw the smack down on occasion.

Please don’t weasel out of doing the right thing here. You will need to go to your grave with your character and integrity in tact…these moments provide such opportunity. Go so far as to write it down for yourself so you don’t become a rambling, sniveling idiot. Just let them know that you value the time you have spent with them and that you admire, respect (or some other positive term) them, but that you need to go in another direction because things haven’t grown into what you had in mind.

Stick around and give them the dignity to ask you questions. We all deserve this and need it for our own personal growth. If they go all crazy on you it is ok to exit stage left. If you wish to be friends with this person then leave it positive and friendly. This is another chance to grow into a diva or keep your man card….please remember nobody wants a weak coward and proving that you are is not good for your dating karma.

You are then going to stop seeking their time. Don’t email them. Don’t facebook stalk them. Remove them from all social media friending and such. Don’t text them and certainly do not allow yourself to booty call them. If there is any amount of alcohol or sad and whiny in your system they are not in play. I recommend just deleting them. It is a VERY satisfying moment!!! This is when you start the management phase of your previously developed plan. Do not allow yourself to become a clinger…don’t do it. It’s pathetic and robs you of your dignity. Don’t go back. Don’t fall into the icky goo of the constant rebound with the wrong person. It’s an epic waste of time.

Now, if someone smacks you upside the head with a surprise Graceful Exit. Hear them out even if you tune them out. Consider the possibility that this may not be a time to respond or react. If you must, you may ask them for a chance to know why things didn’t work out, but I suggest that you request that at another time and I prefer an email. Emotions are sticky and the answers we hope to find in these situations rarely appear as desired. Like yourself enough to not really care what their opinion of you is. There is a soul mate out there designed especially for you and your journey will lead you to them. They will think you are perfect. They are right. Which allows us to logically conclude this person is wrong. Handy huh?!

Wrapping your mind around the fact that you will like people who don’t like you back is hard. You will be disappointed by seeing more in people than they see in themselves. You will in fact be frustrated, irritated and experience rejection. You will also dish out the same in healthy doses. This is the unfortunate reality of being single, especially with the complications of having a failed fairy tale under your belt. Being a responsible dater is kinda like having car insurance. At some point the investment in now will be helpful later.

We all receive grace when we do not deserve it. We all have the responsibility to extend it especially when someone is sweet enough to allow us near their heart. It’s scary for even the most skilled dating ninja to be vulnerable and emotionally available. Please treat yourself like precious cargo because it can be a jungle out there. Equally as important, please treat that precious soul in front of you like precious cargo too. They may not be your “the one” but they are for somebody. In dating Rule #1: First do no harm.  We all get the privilege of adding a little something to each others journey no matter how it pans out. We should end it with the same amount of effort in which we begin it.