Phases of Dating

In every single happily ever after there will be a point where you look at your sweetie and think, ya know life in prison may just be worth it. Yup believe it or not you may at some point actually despise the precious soul you love so much. That’s when all this work involved at treating a budding and prospective relationship with the reverence that it deserves comes in handy. Did you know that you can date your spouse again after years and years of marriage? This is my sticking point to why the phases of dating are so critical. This is where the old ways of courtship have their merit here doll. Some of the fear based dogma may be antiquated but the chivalry and patience of allowing time for intimacy to unfold is right on point and always will be so. Most of our audience is made of those of us who have had things fall apart and find ourselves strangely and oddly single at a time in life when our life plan included a partner.

When you feel a burning hole where your partner should be it can be very tricky to navigate a normal entrance into a relationship. There are many points of reference that tell us how we should live this segment of life and then there is what actually happens. Watching literally hundreds of singles date and find love over the years has revealed some finer points of how we are defining this life after the cultural and faith based rules fall apart. It has pretty clearly sifted out those parts that are no longer utilized in our daily lives.

The Phases of Dating unfolds in 4 distinct stages. When you have the timeline laid out for your convenience you can bounce the emotions and experiences of your dating life against a fixed target. It becomes helpful to have some idea where the boundaries of normal lie so that when you leave normal you can protect your heart.  The dot com dating scene is going to drive me looney. Let’s make some ground rules that we can dive into head first later.

You are not dating until you have been in the same space at the same time and sat eye ball to eye ball while engaged in a face to face conversation. That’s it! No other options. If you are in anyway trying to make an exception to this rule you need to get a grip :0). You can not build a human relationship of the quality that we are discussing with any level of safety or certainty through a computer screen…and soapbox dismount.

Once you meet and for the next two to three months you are in throws of the first phase of dating. At this moment in time you are just getting to know the ins and outs of a new friend and you are basically both auditioning for the role of partner. This is a little bit of a hard hat area. Relationships often do and totally should crash and burn during this phase when they are not the right one. This is when you are sizing each other up and measuring the other against your deal breakers that we call your 5 non-negotiables (because we read Patti Stanger’s super helpful book. Patti Stanger has a couple great books and my number one go to is her book “Become Your Own Matchmaker:” and another author named John Gray is the big daddy on the subject.)

This is also the time in which you will naturally put your best foot forward. Warning signs are when people try to lock you down and strong arm a monogamous commitment during this time. Many reasons may motivate this course of action and I am just going to sum it up today by stating that none of those reason are healthy or advised or sustainable. We can keep up a façade for awhile but not forever. Overcomitting during this phase can lead to disaster. If someone is giving you grief and asking more than you are freely willing to give: Danger Will Robinson Danger. This is also true if you are wanting more than they are matching without effort. Trends are alarming for people jumping in the sack during this time and although I realize it is a normal and natural thing to do, it really jacks your head in a serious way. When you are ready and truly seeking a relationship that can last forever, I highly recommend waiting. If you are having to work hard to be in this person's space it is high time to pivot and move in another direction. Keep in mind that the right relationship will fit like a glove. I come from a premise that your partner has been created for you and will be around at the right time no matter what has fallen apart in your past. Your job is to have your stuff together so that you don't make the tragic mistake of letting them go when they show up. 

You will have the chance to meet each other outside of your normal day to day life and spend time with each other and then return to your normal day to day routine with the chance to adequately process what you learned about this person. Immediately spending 24 seven together may feel good for a moment but you are running a huge risk of pulling some seriously scary wool over each others eyes and skipping a critical developmental stage of getting to know one another. You will naturally find out each others tender spots and shortcomings along the way. I do encourage couples to not spend copious amounts of time chatting on the phone before you actually meet. Once you meet it's ok to talk and text like goofy teenagers if you wish. By the time 2 to 3 months rolls around, you will have a pretty good idea of who and what you are dealing with. You can now make a rational and well informed decision based in experience and reality. Yay!

The next phase begins somewhere around 2 to 3 months and should be the time when you are spending more and more time together. You will naturally begin taking a hard look into that matching set of Louis Vuitton priced baggage that we all carry around by the time 30 something and single finds us. Monogamy is a no brainer at this point and all other past dating relationships should be put on notice that you are committed. If 3 to 4 months rolls around you are not able or willing to commit, it may be high time to get real. You are either afraid and incapable of this level of intimacy at this time in your life, or you may simply be burning time with the wrong person. Yes I am saying it’s time for facebook official or friend zone. 

I have noticed that somewhere between 6 and 8 months phase three seems to sneak up and rear a fairly ugly and often times fire breathing head. Now I am not yet confident as to whether this phase is a result of a perfectly natural awareness that you could seriously be with the last person you will ever be with or if it is the all too familiar realization of the gravity of the failed past reminding us that we can royally suck it up when it comes to life love and the pursuit of happiness.  None the less it happens, it sucks and here is what it looks like.

You now have all of the baggage unpacked. You have taken a piece by piece look at it and had a play by play of each others good, bad and ugly. The double edge sword of not committing too soon and being stuck with someone who isn’t a great fit is that when this oh Shieza moment occurs. You can bail…and you may very well. After all, it is easier this way.  You have most likely entered into a space where there is some actual hard work that successful relationships and their inherent compromise require. No, demands. This is not a super bad thing if a relationship falls apart at this point. Hopefully you haven’t done something totally moronic and moved into together. Falling apart now may suck out loud but it beats the hell out a second divorce or a first one if you are in that boat. This is where you are hopefully shaking your head up and down in agreement.

Having a couple’s version of a come to Jesus (for my non-texas audience that is a no holds barred serious conversation) can solve many future headaches and heartburns. Bring beer or wine. No guns. Decide who takes what role and where the lines are drawn. Be willing to give twice as much as you receive and try to always be the first to say I am sorry and please forgive me…and mean it. Also, there is not one thing wrong with consulting a relationship counselor if this person means enough to you. All you big toughies who refuse to go. It’s like being afraid of a kitten and I laugh in your general direction.

Phase 4 typically roles around in a year to 18 months and is usually marked by a very long term commitment marked by engagement and oftentimes co-habitation. Commitment phobes spit and sputter at this thought and to those folks I say, seek therapy. Find out what you want and need and have the gumption to go get it. This is where Beaker is out. This is grounds for a faith based counselor or a relationship professional. The Dating Phase has come to an end you can take a deep breathe and shut the door. you have found your soul mate life's partner. 

Back to where we began. Stepping carefully through the process of dating is a wonderful process and can be a place where you return often once your committed life together gets rough. Isn’t the idea that you can fall in love with your soul mate over and over again a beautiful thought? It is smokin’ hot if you ask me. This is the place where you earn it. This is where the basement is dug and foundation leading to forever is cemented. It is worth the effort and worth returning to when life grabs you and snatches you as it tends to do.