There is An Art to Flirting

In my head there is a science to this dating gig...perhaps it's because this week 5 years ago my marriage imploded (June 8 is my day today).  I have spent every moment since studying this business of being single after cultural norms which tell us how to lock down a life with our soul mate slide across the field with their skirt over their \head…waa waa waa.

 I have been asked so many times what happened and how I became a matchmaker. These two things are in fact related and conveniently served by my education in behavioral science and biochemistry. I will explain how beaker became…beaker. I do feel that equal to my passion and my education, is my personal experience. Because I want you to bear your soul and know you are safe with me, I do feel that I owe you that story. It is coming to you somewhere near July 17th, but not today. Today, we are going to talk about one of my absolute favorite lessons in dating.

Why is it my fav you ask? When my baby and second son came to me a little tattered from life, as he often will being sensitive and fascinated by life and everyone in it, I will ask him where he left his power. I will then pull more power out of my pocket and pour it like fairy dust into his precious, perfect little hand. He will then rub it in like lotion all over his heart. I wish my dear one, that I could do that for you too. Please know this little Beaker serves this job with a Mother’s heart and you are all mine, once you are mine you are mine until I get to pass you off to your soul mate.

It all begins with a glance. If you will keep in mind that we all crave someone who finds us fascinating, who sees us as we were created. There are so many reasons why someone catches our eye. There are so many ways we attempt to get the attention of that curious creature…and there is a way that works.

It’s really hard and super complicated. No!! Not really. It’s really easy and requires very little skill. Here’s the trick! You hafta, hafta, hafta get out of your own head. Since I already pulled the Mama card on you earlier, I am now going to use it again. You are going to need to internalize and assimilate… by that I mean learn and use … this fact: It is NONE of your business what anyone thinks of you. I know sweetie. There’s a whole lotta life that totally blows and that’s one of ‘em.  Here’s another hard lesson. You need to internalize and assimilate the fact that you are AMAZING. The hard part of that is that you now need to conduct yourself at all times knowing that is fact. So, now you can’t have any reasonable or rational excuse to not execute the following. :0).

I need to talk to my girls first so guys, check scores or play a game...or scratch something, but check out until this paragraph and the next are over at the risk of growing ovaries. Girls, your job is to NOT pursue men. Believe me when I tell you that all men even those who do not deserve you will lose interest approximately 3 to 6 weeks after you begin pursuing them. May I remind you that I have proven my rules to be so very true along with hundreds of other singles, and other research? I don’t just sit behind a pretty desk and tell you stuff. I’m in the field ladies and I will let you know when I am spewing theory. Otherwise, you can rest assured that Beaker Speaks tried and true research in the book and in the fields. When you see a guy who catches your eye, you may let him know you are interested but you may not initiate lady!!! Do you here me Jack? Do not go pounce on some dude for any reason at all. It’s not good and by that I mean it’s sorta pathetic. Here’s what you do instead.

When you catch his glance the first time and your heart goes...What?!...purrrr. It’s on. Now you wait. If he is interested he will look again. This is why God gave you peripheral vision girls. Time to use it! When he looks your way again, it is now time to pull out the thirteen year old diva that we all keep locked and loaded. You smile... you may even head tilt, if you are me then you may even twirl your hair but I AM ridiculous… then you SMILE AT HIM and look away and at something else. Maybe your ipad, your phone, your friends…really anywhere else but him is fine. This is where You Do Not Stutter. This is when the ball is in your court and you close the deal with a smile and a blush, right before the anything else captures your attention. The smile can linger but that is all. Please remember in this moment that you are precious and perfect and deserving. The ball is in his curt now. You may not do anything else until he initiates. Ever…ever, ever. If this concept eludes you, please watch the movie He’s Just Not That Into You at least twice.

Hello boys, welcome back! Girls, it’s time for you to do your nails or something fun. Come back later. This is why you get to have a man card and where the responsibility begins in which it could be revoked. Please note the responsibility here is yours unless you want to replace said man card with the man purse carrying douche card. The purse is a penance...FYI. You also have to stick your neck out here. Remember I am playing the Mama card all over the place here today and I am telling you what my little men will know, Do not play with women like they are toys. I do have the authority to revoke your man card and I will not hesitate to do it.  It is the highest privilege and makes you just below Christ to the right woman. Regard it properly and fail it at your peril.

If you have a shelf where you place women while you are playing… please delete this post and move on. You do not yet posses your man card or perhaps you are recalibrating but the result is the same. You may come back when you are ready to play as a whole man on life’s terms. I am a hard ass, I know and as the mama of boys, it is what it is. Stand by for the recalibrating post and return when you’ve cleared the level and slain the appropriate dragons. Kisses!

Since you have to stick your neck out, I do not want you going all willy nilly and get your head chopped off by some scary chick. When that lady catches your eye and you go in for the assessment, have the gumption to go over and strike up a conversation. Say hello and tell her your name, get hers and then give her genuine compliment. Buy her a drink or ask her to leave the pack of chicks she travels with to talk with you one on one. Tell her she is pretty and that you would like the chance to get to know her. Ask her if you can call her TOMORROW. Let the record show, that is not 3 days from now. :0)!!

Ladies hate that and often, will not tolerate it. We interpret a lack of once a day communication as disinterest or being a player, captivated by women who are not us. That’s not good boys, if it is your wish to see her naked at some point. Also, for the record, if you begin this line of interest disingenuously, then I revoke your man card for 90 days and give nothing but stage 4 clingers as a lesson. When you are too scared to handle your woman when she shows up it truly breaks my heart because I almost always give her to someone else who cherishes her when you would not. Sad face. This is avoidable. When Your Lady shows up, please be ready. My point is this, self actualization and transparency is always worth it even when it hurts. Surrounding your heart in ice because it got hurt only ensures you will let your wife marry someone else.

In all seriousness, when your eye catches someone else. Do it right. Treat it as if it will be your last chance and if you can not do that… Pull the rip cord. Bail out. You may hurt a precious soul who does not deserve it and if you chicken out, then you may be passing up your future. Stay connected to your heart and what it needs. And for the love of all things holy, don’t treat souls like toys. If you pursue, be genuine and if you are interested...BE!!! buckle up kids, this dating thing is not for sissies.

The 5 You Can't Live Without

I do lots of research and read anything that I can get my hands on to help me guide singles through dating life…myself included. I like to think that each of my singles have a dating start date and an end date that lands them in the relationship that lasts a lifetime. There are few greater emotional floods than that which occurs during a budding relationship. These range from fear to elation. Dating Strategy is well advised so that you can land in a relationship where both your needs and your partner's needs are met. Tackling a relationship without first knowing what it is that you need is silly. It's a lot like trying to hit a target in the dark room. SO many of my singles come to me having no idea how to approach choosing a partner by entering into the dating process by putting their needs first. I tell you, this is ok and critically important. Being self focused is in no way being selfish. Only bytrusting that you can depend on your partner to possess what you need to rely on, can you confidently build a life with them where you can meet their needs as well. 

One of my go to books was written by the Matchmaking Queen herself, Patti Stanger. Her book is called “Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate.“ In this book she outlines a great concept for outlining your "5 Non-Negotiables." Your 5 Non-Negotiables would be your true absolute deal breakers, those which ignoring would land you in a situation that has very little chance, if any, of meeting your needs longterm. Using Patti’s guideline will allow you to know if you are nit- picking yourself out of your viable relationship options or if you are sliding down the slippery slope of dismissing your needs.

Here’s how I interpret and use her advice on finding the 5 Non-Negotiables of your needs from a romantic partner in the long run. 

Take a blank piece of paper. Make 3 columns that go down the page.

At the top of the page the first column will be labeled 5 BEST QUALITIES. 

The middle Column will be labeled NAME. 

The last column will say 5 WORST QUALITIES.  

Then you will revisit your past 5 romantic relationships. You write their name in the center column. You will write the 5 best things that they brought to your life and to your relationship in the first column and you will write the 5 worst qualities that they brought to your life and to your relationship in the last column. If you don’t have 5 past romantic relationships, I say use the parents, grandparents and siblings of the same gender that you date in their place. My reasoning for this is that those are often the people who help us form the qualities that we choose from our relationships. At the end of this assignment, you will have a list of all the greatest things these relationships have brought to you and a list of all the unmitigated crap that you’ve been putting up with from your relationships.

Ok, now step 2. Take a long soulful look at the way you would like to be treated and what you deserve from a partner. What does your ideal relationship look like. Please be careful that you are using reality and not the Disney channel to form these expectations.With this in mind, use both columns of qualities you've experienced in relationships past and write down 5 simple statements that you can’t live without in a relationship. Only 5. Write them on a business card and carry them around in your wallet.

Here are mine:
1. Protector/Provider Spirit
2. Mentor and friend to my boys
3. Able to support my career and passion without being threatened or limiting to my choices.
4. Someone whose intelligence and career I admire
5. Lacking in effeminate qualities

After the third date or so… or whenever that point in time occurs that you find your heart ceomcing wrapped around this person, pull this card out and give it a gander. This usually occurs in the big middle of a dopamine high and the thrill of a new romance. Keep referring to this card through out the time that you are getting to know this person over the first several months. Be bold enough to admit to yourself when someone is wrong, pivot and move on. Be brave enough to accept that you can grow through the little annoyances and imperfections of someone who inspires and intrigues you when they say…meet your 5 Non-Negotiables but have a few extra pounds or a little less hair than you wish. My singles find this tool extremely helpful, as do I.

This business of looking at ourselves squarely in the mirror and facing single life with a boldness and confidence that allows us to draw in and accept the right partner is not easy, but it’s totally worth it. I challenge you to define your 5 Non-Negotiables and to have them in your wallet when we meet again to explore more about the Rules of Dating.

Happy Dating!~Amanda

Check Your Deserve Level

Deserve Level is one of those terms that came about through working with countless individuals who share the experience of having been made to feel inherently inadequate and broken.  Be it derived from parents who lack the nurturing spirit we crave, lovers who mistreat us or friends who betray our trust, anyone who rips holes in our spirit can contribute to us abandoning the basic survival skills of meeting our own needs.  Shoot! Some of us only need a mirror and that voice in our head to get the job done! We would never allow someone to speak to a person we love the way we are willing to speak to ourselves. For Pete’s Sake that’s just silly.

Damaged Deserve level just leaks out of us in the things we say and do and in the partners we choose. If we all treated each other as if we wore a t-shirt that said “MAKE ME FEEL IMPORTANT,” then we could build ourselves by building others. If we dared to go inside of ourselves long enough to patch up the wounds and fortify our souls with the knowledge of what actually serves our needs, then we could approach our dating life with the tenacity and confidence that we deserve. We could dare to pick a partner who is good enough for us and when needed acknowledge that one exists.

Shall we take a peek inside that dark, scary neighborhood that is our head? We have so much to learn when we look at what it looks like to the passersby when we forget to take our tool belts within and therefore go without the structural remodel that we deserve when a relationship kicks us square in the butt.  We can go together, there is power in numbers.  Isn’t it just a little creepy how the relationships of years past can resemble the parts of ourselves that we really needed to take a jack hammer to? Those traits we’d like to sweep under the rug in ourselves ended up being the most prevalent characteristics of those we chose to spend most of our time and thoughts with? Insert chuckle here. It makes is easier to swallow the suck.

Let me be the first to say that I have cleared them all. I have the scars and bruises to prove it!! Also, let’s just admit that when something pisses us off, it’s usually the case that we have stumbled upon a truth that we are not yet willing to tackle. If we can agree on that point and you agree to give me permission to speak my Beaker mind without taking it personally, then you are invited to proceed. If not! Do not pass go! Stop here and return next week. (GRIN)

Self-sabotage comes in a rainbow of presentations and sometimes even sparkles…the most shiny of the self-sabotage repertoire is that of the ridiculous diva attitude. Gentlemen you are not off the hook here! Ladies tend to frequent this particular realm more often and in heels no less. But I have seen many of raging hissy fits from men as well. If there are more people who just aren’t good enough for you and if you find yourself needing to condescend to others to convey how special you are…my friend grab your boa and tiara. You are a grand diva desirous.  A true diva will dote on their partner and fulfill their needs by uplifting those around them. The true dive attracts rather than repels and needs to tell no one how fabulous they are. This truly comes from the lowest of self value and these divas really just need a hug and some praise.

Oh the hissy fits I’ve endured from The frantic ninja…  this self-sabotage typically  is found amongst very intelligent, very round souls who prefer to attack Beaker than to attack a stair master. When reality bites, resist the urge to bite back. You will usually only end up chewing your own arm off.  When dating is more of a disconnect than a fluid and fun experience, I would send you back to the Laws of Attraction.  At the end of the day the dating jungle is ruled by those who follow the rules. If you don’t like your place on the food chain, change it. Lighting your dates on fire, or your beaker, only serves to land you alone, without companionship or the respect of those who meet you. The frantic ninja is usually a very fragile creature who needs love and a hug even when they are slicing you in half.

Negative Nelly is easily spotted. This self-sabotage is usually marked by having a barrage of complaints and problems come spilling out each time their mouth is open. These souls unwittingly drain the people around them. It can literally feel like you are carrying them around on your back. Everyone has problems and annoyances in life. Everyone’s work is demanding. Let’s face this one head on too, if anyone liked their ex, they wouldn’t be an EX! Dating is supposed to be fun, not free therapy. Your man or your woman deserves your best, not your baggage. When you’re this much of a drag when it’s supposed to be fun, can you imagine what is expected when life hits the dirt? This is usually a soul whose needs are not being met. We all crave love and attention. We get love and attention a different way.

 The WIIFM (wyfum) used to be a very elusive creature, but its threat as a species is over and its numbers are growing at a healthy rate. The WIIFM- What’s In It For ME?!  This self-sabotaging creature will actually make you feel guilty for expecting your needs to be considered as well. How dare you!! I kid! When you only want someone there according to your schedule or when something works for you. You belong to this species. Often adorable and intriguing like a mogwai (the cuddly gremlin) but expectation and equal consideration is like adding water. Holy cow! Watch out! This one lands you alone and worse. This one will cause you to lose the respect of the people who call you friend as well.  It’s usually not malicious in intent but stems from being over scheduled, over tired, over worked and underappreciated. But it is toxic to a new relationship however innocent it may be.

The Island. I don’t need anyone. This self-sabotage is usually just a wall built by someone who has been used, taken for granted and tossed a way. It’s ok to be alone. It’s not ok to be alone and wish you had a soul mate.

Perfection on a stick. I’m already doing everything right! It’s everyone else that needs to get a clue. If this is true….let’s look. When was your last fulfilling relationship? It’s time to dislodge the stick and follow the rules. It’s handy to remember… Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Courtney-ism 1239…she tells me this all the time. I’m slow, I need things repeated. Again, this reaction is often sourced by souls who were told they are worthless by someone who should have loved them. The soul knows it’s infinitely valuable and is just trying to be heard.

Here’s how it can be…  Imagine your next relationship beginning like this metaphor.. Ok it’s not a metaphor but don’t you dare say this literally to your dates. Here’s who I am. Here’s what I need. I would like to get to know you and find out if you can meet those needs and make life more than it is without you. Can we agree to say what we mean and be as transparent as possible? I will try to be patient and always give you the benefit of the doubt. Will you make your best effort to return that favor? I will do my best to consider your needs as my own. Wanna make out? Good stuff huh?! That's the reflection of a proper deserve level.

Listen, if we can’t laugh at ourselves on this journey to rewriting the rules of an antiquated dating world,  then we are all going down together on our sinking ship. Don’t take any of this personally. Be objective. And if you have something to say, I implore you to press the comment button and share in the discussion. It is anonymous and will always be. I get lots of reviews by private email…which I love!!!

Now I want you to write down each time you find yourself kicking your mental butt. Write the gist of what you said to yourself. Now write down a counter to it. Like chess, or war! Reset your belief process. Each thing has an opposite that is probably more true. If this is particularly hard, get a therapist. It is time. Now dig out a rubber band. Wear it around your wrist and snap it each time you tell yourself something mean about you or let some negative comment spill out of your mouth. It works like this…What you think, you say. What you say, you do. What you do, you have. Make sure what you think is what you want. How is someone going to love and respect you if you don’t care to do it yourself? 

The Graceful Exit

This is a term that is great in concept and a difficult execution. In theory this is the part of The Dating Strategy where you realize in the first phase of dating that your new friend is just that, a friend and not more. There are many reasons which may lead us to the conclusion that this person is not for us.

This little Beaker and the clients that I have worked with over the past few years have found setting rules for predictable and unavoidable dating situations to be helpful. In my own dating strategy I have chosen to go ahead and work this expectation into the conversation early into the deal. When it becomes apparent that we are going to be spending time together on a regular basis, I find it comforting to mention that if there is a reason we should not continue to explore a relationship that we decidedly become friends and try to avoid hurt feelings with honesty.

Now as much as we may want to, you just can’t go around throwing a rule book on the table with a new person in your life. It would be fabulous to treat one another with respect and it would be super to have a defined cultural standard for these situations, but we do not. The thing with the graceful exit is that you can use this function whether you are on the administering end or on the receiving end. Perhaps it is easier to begin defining the graceful exit by giving a few scenarios that are not a graceful exit. The goal is to pivot and move forward on our single journey with our dignity in tact right? ...Right?!

Ok so, not so graceful tactics of ending a relationship include becoming a phantom. It’s just rude to be all into someone and then vanish with no explanation. Here is an opportunity to use the forthcoming strategy. Being a coward isn’t cool and skulking away without explanation is in fact being a coward. As is, treating them as your own personal toy that you can take of the shelf as you please and pay no attention to unless convenient for you. If you change your mind or discover a new shiny object of affection, then tell the person you’re not feeling it and let them know you are peacing out. Integrity is the life event under which this particular one falls.

Another one is the blame game. Some folks just don’t operate at the same speed or even on the same planet as you do. This is not their fault. They are not wrong because the dating effort ended in a swing and a miss. Listen, Jack! This Dating thing is not for sissies. 

I want all whose eyes find this page to pay close attention to the next point!! Nobody owes you a darn thing in this game of love. You are not entitled to an explanation no matter how deserving you may be to one. You can not expect to be heard or to earn another minute of their time when the object of your affection has checked out. This is where we dating ninjas learn to employ a life skill called emotional management. What is emotional management you say?

Emotional Management is the highly actualized ability to realize that your hurt feelings and pissed off- ed-ness (Yea, that’s what I said) is YOUR issue NOT their issue. Let’s take a deep breathe and refill the coffee while we process that one.

What this means is that when things fall apart, zig or zag in a direction in which you do not approve, or when your sweetie doesn’t experience the same value that you do, or fails to see happily ever after as you do….You can not blame them. I highly recommend that you refer back to the rules and phases of dating and check your reality against your choices. If you aren’t getting what you wish, chances are you found somebody else’s fish. Throw them back into the pond. It will be fine and dandy. I am not saying that you should let someone treat you without respect and I am encouraging you to draw a line in the sand and require anyone you meet to treat you as you would treat them. There are douche bags in the water and gators so please do BEWARE. So in the land of civility we will move forward.

This is where I get to go all Beaker on your cute little self because there is a reason why the cadence of a relationship begins with dating. And there is a reason why you should protect your heart, your head and your pants from pre-mature umm…. Well prematurity. I’m gonna leave it at that for now. There are all sorts of feel good chemicals and primal drives that go on in your brain chemistry when you find someone that makes you feel warm and fuzzy. There is also a super deeply engrained sense of your psyche and its processes working right along side of those chemicals. When you find someone who’s got the warm and fuzzy triggers in the right order and who is hitting the bullet points on those confounded checklists we carry around with us, you may find yourself deep in the throws of a swirling head. And I highly recommend that you revere it according to your genetics. That applies to both my guys and my girls…yay!!! We are taught this as teens but we chuck it as grown ups. We shouldn’t.

It’s perfectly natural to hit the freak out button when your feelings get hurt. So, I suggest that when you are in a good place that you develop An Action Plan for emotional management. Then when the feathers hit the fan, you can go into MANAGEMENT MODE which is much more dignified than freak out mode. Yes baby doll, that is an actual thingy and it works! Once upon a time back in my business training days when I was all wide eyed and bushy tailed, some smart fella taught me that a critical skill in executive management is gathering data while waters are calm. Making a decision on possible outcomes and then.. hold onto your hat….. executing those decisions when the need arises. How about that! Simple enough. That’s what we are doing here, samesies!

Here’s an action plan that has worked with me and many of my singles. Hang on, you are going to need to whip out the 5 Non-Negotiables from the blog post The 5 You Can’t Live Without. Ya know, the ones you keep in your wallet or smartphone at all times. {Sidebar: If you have not yet done this for yourself, I give you a head tilt and a one eye closed glare. And ask you, “If you are going to half ass this, are you willing to have your whole ass handed to you and be all sad?”}. Knowing your 5 deal breakers arms you with the most critical tool for navigating your road map into a successful relationship. 

The action plan goes like this, when you identify reasons why any or many of these 5 non-negotiables (shout out to Patti Stanger for giving us this tool) are not going to be working out for you in this relationship, you have a conversation with yourself and perhaps you could include a spiritual source in this conversation. My go to is Jesus, we go back years. You then need to let it go. Accept defeat or failure or missed chances. Then you need to communicate this respectfully and with compassion to your new friend.

This is not the time to go over a laundry list of their shortcomings or lack of ability to check off the bullet points on your checklist. Hence, the graceful exit and not the rude, bitchy exit. You are going to know which form of communication is most appropriate. Oh and honey, if they are an ass, you can be a little bitchy….but just a teeny bit so that they know not to touch fire. The high road is always best but Jesus did throw the smack down on occasion.

Please don’t weasel out of doing the right thing here. You will need to go to your grave with your character and integrity in tact…these moments provide such opportunity. Go so far as to write it down for yourself so you don’t become a rambling, sniveling idiot. Just let them know that you value the time you have spent with them and that you admire, respect (or some other positive term) them, but that you need to go in another direction because things haven’t grown into what you had in mind.

Stick around and give them the dignity to ask you questions. We all deserve this and need it for our own personal growth. If they go all crazy on you it is ok to exit stage left. If you wish to be friends with this person then leave it positive and friendly. This is another chance to grow into a diva or keep your man card….please remember nobody wants a weak coward and proving that you are is not good for your dating karma.

You are then going to stop seeking their time. Don’t email them. Don’t facebook stalk them. Remove them from all social media friending and such. Don’t text them and certainly do not allow yourself to booty call them. If there is any amount of alcohol or sad and whiny in your system they are not in play. I recommend just deleting them. It is a VERY satisfying moment!!! This is when you start the management phase of your previously developed plan. Do not allow yourself to become a clinger…don’t do it. It’s pathetic and robs you of your dignity. Don’t go back. Don’t fall into the icky goo of the constant rebound with the wrong person. It’s an epic waste of time.

Now, if someone smacks you upside the head with a surprise Graceful Exit. Hear them out even if you tune them out. Consider the possibility that this may not be a time to respond or react. If you must, you may ask them for a chance to know why things didn’t work out, but I suggest that you request that at another time and I prefer an email. Emotions are sticky and the answers we hope to find in these situations rarely appear as desired. Like yourself enough to not really care what their opinion of you is. There is a soul mate out there designed especially for you and your journey will lead you to them. They will think you are perfect. They are right. Which allows us to logically conclude this person is wrong. Handy huh?!

Wrapping your mind around the fact that you will like people who don’t like you back is hard. You will be disappointed by seeing more in people than they see in themselves. You will in fact be frustrated, irritated and experience rejection. You will also dish out the same in healthy doses. This is the unfortunate reality of being single, especially with the complications of having a failed fairy tale under your belt. Being a responsible dater is kinda like having car insurance. At some point the investment in now will be helpful later.

We all receive grace when we do not deserve it. We all have the responsibility to extend it especially when someone is sweet enough to allow us near their heart. It’s scary for even the most skilled dating ninja to be vulnerable and emotionally available. Please treat yourself like precious cargo because it can be a jungle out there. Equally as important, please treat that precious soul in front of you like precious cargo too. They may not be your “the one” but they are for somebody. In dating Rule #1: First do no harm.  We all get the privilege of adding a little something to each others journey no matter how it pans out. We should end it with the same amount of effort in which we begin it. 

The Confounded Checklist

We begin building a prototype of our perfect person at the very moment  we land our first crush. I am not sure about the rest of the world but my oldest son cleared that milestone on the third day of kindergarten.  He bounced off the school bus with his freckles in all his glory and gleefully announced as his foot hit the sidewalk “Mommy you’re not my girlfriend anymore, Maddie is!” …”Oh reheheheallly!!!”  And it begins….. We spend our formative years building this exhaustive list that we use to measure those who make us feel fuzzy and are only a pretty strangers to us at first.  These checklists used to be safe and reliable in the good ole’ days. They used to also be built from home grown communities and fathers and REAL PEOPLE.  

So here we uncover another antiquated dating ritual that we still use and which no longer serves the vast majority of those who use them. These days Disney has replaced reality in the building blocks of who we expect to sweep us off our feet. We meticulously design our soul mate between our ears fiber by fiber as if we can order them online and have them built. Often times, we create these confounded checklists during a time when life is more of a look into the future than grounded in the here and now.

Do we ever find the living version of this confounded checklist? And let earth shake with a resounding NO!!! Does this mean we won’t find our soul mate along with the unconditional and immeasurable love that we deserve? Heck no. We not only can find love, but it’s actually probable if we stop the frilling self-sabotage and dare to hold ourselves as accountable as we do our partners.  When we follow the rules and acknowledge that unless you are an actual Prince or Princess you are subject to the laws of attraction and most of the time we just need get over ourselves. The fact of the matter is that there is a group of people who literally build a force field of their own expectations around them and effectively trap themselves in a single stasis.

Ok so we’ve landed square on our ass in the middle of life. What do we do when  reality bites us hard? We need to begin by making sure first and foremost, that our deserve levels are intact and that we are capable determining Patti’s 5 Non-Negotiables. We need to understand what our League is and who might actually want to see us naked for the rest of our days. We then need to make sure that our checklists have been recalibrated to our current reality.  We need to follow it up by making sure that who we are and where we are in life is reflected in who we are allowing ourselves to consider.

A great way to tackle this particular monster is to look and see who wants to meet us. Next, after we have dated enough to know who is available to us, we can begin grasping the concept of our perfect partner. At that point we have a really solid shot at what it looks like to build a real live, carbon based relationship.  Awesome! In the next squeak we will sink our teeth into this concept.

Some of us may have done a good job of updating the confounded checklists we carry around in our head. Some of us may need a complete overhaul. Let’s say we keep that which serves our goals for happily ever after and scrap the rest. There is so much freedom in a commitment to abandon an antiquated system which leaves us single and frustrated rather than face the roar of fear. Be Bold. Chuck the confounded checklists we began forming during the days where we were likely to actually run around in a princess costume and tiara…guys replace that visual with cape and a light saber.

Here’s what one chick’s checklist may look like. My Dreamy Prince will…

• Work in the field of Law or be a doctor
• He will play the guitar
• He will ride a motorcycle
• He will be 6 feet tall
• He will never have been married
• He will be a member of my very same church
• He will not have any children
• He will have blue eyes
• He will be the picture of health and never be weak
• He will love to listen to me talk about myself for hours

Oh, go ahead and roll your eyes. I built that list from ACTUAL DEMANDS m'dear. Do you see how absolutely nothing in that confounded checklist has anything to do with how he is willing to treat us or how we are able to support each other’s hopes and dreams?  Do you also see how there is no reverence to the qualities that will actually serve our needs? At one time, I believed that women were more likely than men to sabotage their own relationship futures by holding onto these notions of fantasized perfection. But they aren’t. Men do it too.  No doubt, we earnestly give it a good college try when we choose our first love and we make every attempt to marry our perfect checklist. We also watch it unravel when the heartbeat of a relationship isn’t served by our confounded checklist.

There are some tools from Disney that we can take on the road to reality and put to good use. The mirror, mirror on the wall is quite handy in realizing that we are eternally 25 in our heads…but only in our heads.  The magic carpet ride truly requires some psychedelic substances and if we are going to have a Princess complex whether we be girl or boy…. Our Daddy’s face needs to be on the money we spend.

Let’s face it! The white horse is more likely ridden by the guy who will tie us to the train tracks and when you’re climbing her hair up the castle wall, boys…it’s probably a weave. Dating can be a little confusing as it does take us out of the daily routine of our reality. Still I implore you to use the tools of dating Earthlings. If you date men then mold your expectations of a relationship to those which can be accomplished by a man. If you date women do the same. Men need space to veg out in front of sports center and to be emotionally vulnerable. They need someone who will give them a break from life’s stressors of being the protector and provider. Women need someone who will understand that leaving the toilet seat up can in fact mean that you don’t consider her needs. Women want men to make them feel chosen and who anticipates her needs and takes care of some of the little things in life. Men need women who understand that they are brilliant and complex and yet their needs are simple. Food, Sex, Money all things flow through these channels in their guy heads.

I would love to see a virtual bonfire of the fairytale inspired, unobtainable traits we screen strangers against  in all the glory of the bras burned in the 1960s. Ha! Ya know the thing I hear from just about everyone who allows me into their bubble, is they really want someone to pick up the phone when they’ve had something in life raise their blood pressure. They want someone to share life’s little victories. They want someone to wonder around with on Saturday and eat dinner with when they come home from work. They want someone who can hold the thing while they screw it into the wall and they want someone to snag the dry cleaning occasionally. We really don’t miss the idealized traits of Aladdin when we find ourselves alone. We miss the way we share life’s monotony. We miss the person who knows how we like our coffee and understands why we are just more comfortable in life when we drink red bull out of a wine glass.

We just want to be loved, unconditionally and without measure. Yes passionately, we all deserve to be the sexiest thing our partner can imagine. But after that 30 minutes of the day is over, we cherish the comfort of knowing that for the other 23 and half hours of the day we are understood and supported. Happily Ever After looks a lot more simple than riding off into the sunset on a magic carpet. It looks a lot more like sitting on the back porch, next to a grill watching the sunset in ponytails, flip flops and ball caps.

Phases of Dating

In every single happily ever after there will be a point where you look at your sweetie and think, ya know life in prison may just be worth it. Yup believe it or not you may at some point actually despise the precious soul you love so much. That’s when all this work involved at treating a budding and prospective relationship with the reverence that it deserves comes in handy. Did you know that you can date your spouse again after years and years of marriage? This is my sticking point to why the phases of dating are so critical. This is where the old ways of courtship have their merit here doll. Some of the fear based dogma may be antiquated but the chivalry and patience of allowing time for intimacy to unfold is right on point and always will be so. Most of our audience is made of those of us who have had things fall apart and find ourselves strangely and oddly single at a time in life when our life plan included a partner.

When you feel a burning hole where your partner should be it can be very tricky to navigate a normal entrance into a relationship. There are many points of reference that tell us how we should live this segment of life and then there is what actually happens. Watching literally hundreds of singles date and find love over the years has revealed some finer points of how we are defining this life after the cultural and faith based rules fall apart. It has pretty clearly sifted out those parts that are no longer utilized in our daily lives.

The Phases of Dating unfolds in 4 distinct stages. When you have the timeline laid out for your convenience you can bounce the emotions and experiences of your dating life against a fixed target. It becomes helpful to have some idea where the boundaries of normal lie so that when you leave normal you can protect your heart.  The dot com dating scene is going to drive me looney. Let’s make some ground rules that we can dive into head first later.

You are not dating until you have been in the same space at the same time and sat eye ball to eye ball while engaged in a face to face conversation. That’s it! No other options. If you are in anyway trying to make an exception to this rule you need to get a grip :0). You can not build a human relationship of the quality that we are discussing with any level of safety or certainty through a computer screen…and soapbox dismount.

Once you meet and for the next two to three months you are in throws of the first phase of dating. At this moment in time you are just getting to know the ins and outs of a new friend and you are basically both auditioning for the role of partner. This is a little bit of a hard hat area. Relationships often do and totally should crash and burn during this phase when they are not the right one. This is when you are sizing each other up and measuring the other against your deal breakers that we call your 5 non-negotiables (because we read Patti Stanger’s super helpful book. Patti Stanger has a couple great books and my number one go to is her book “Become Your Own Matchmaker:” and another author named John Gray is the big daddy on the subject.)

This is also the time in which you will naturally put your best foot forward. Warning signs are when people try to lock you down and strong arm a monogamous commitment during this time. Many reasons may motivate this course of action and I am just going to sum it up today by stating that none of those reason are healthy or advised or sustainable. We can keep up a façade for awhile but not forever. Overcomitting during this phase can lead to disaster. If someone is giving you grief and asking more than you are freely willing to give: Danger Will Robinson Danger. This is also true if you are wanting more than they are matching without effort. Trends are alarming for people jumping in the sack during this time and although I realize it is a normal and natural thing to do, it really jacks your head in a serious way. When you are ready and truly seeking a relationship that can last forever, I highly recommend waiting. If you are having to work hard to be in this person's space it is high time to pivot and move in another direction. Keep in mind that the right relationship will fit like a glove. I come from a premise that your partner has been created for you and will be around at the right time no matter what has fallen apart in your past. Your job is to have your stuff together so that you don't make the tragic mistake of letting them go when they show up. 

You will have the chance to meet each other outside of your normal day to day life and spend time with each other and then return to your normal day to day routine with the chance to adequately process what you learned about this person. Immediately spending 24 seven together may feel good for a moment but you are running a huge risk of pulling some seriously scary wool over each others eyes and skipping a critical developmental stage of getting to know one another. You will naturally find out each others tender spots and shortcomings along the way. I do encourage couples to not spend copious amounts of time chatting on the phone before you actually meet. Once you meet it's ok to talk and text like goofy teenagers if you wish. By the time 2 to 3 months rolls around, you will have a pretty good idea of who and what you are dealing with. You can now make a rational and well informed decision based in experience and reality. Yay!

The next phase begins somewhere around 2 to 3 months and should be the time when you are spending more and more time together. You will naturally begin taking a hard look into that matching set of Louis Vuitton priced baggage that we all carry around by the time 30 something and single finds us. Monogamy is a no brainer at this point and all other past dating relationships should be put on notice that you are committed. If 3 to 4 months rolls around you are not able or willing to commit, it may be high time to get real. You are either afraid and incapable of this level of intimacy at this time in your life, or you may simply be burning time with the wrong person. Yes I am saying it’s time for facebook official or friend zone. 

I have noticed that somewhere between 6 and 8 months phase three seems to sneak up and rear a fairly ugly and often times fire breathing head. Now I am not yet confident as to whether this phase is a result of a perfectly natural awareness that you could seriously be with the last person you will ever be with or if it is the all too familiar realization of the gravity of the failed past reminding us that we can royally suck it up when it comes to life love and the pursuit of happiness.  None the less it happens, it sucks and here is what it looks like.

You now have all of the baggage unpacked. You have taken a piece by piece look at it and had a play by play of each others good, bad and ugly. The double edge sword of not committing too soon and being stuck with someone who isn’t a great fit is that when this oh Shieza moment occurs. You can bail…and you may very well. After all, it is easier this way.  You have most likely entered into a space where there is some actual hard work that successful relationships and their inherent compromise require. No, demands. This is not a super bad thing if a relationship falls apart at this point. Hopefully you haven’t done something totally moronic and moved into together. Falling apart now may suck out loud but it beats the hell out a second divorce or a first one if you are in that boat. This is where you are hopefully shaking your head up and down in agreement.

Having a couple’s version of a come to Jesus (for my non-texas audience that is a no holds barred serious conversation) can solve many future headaches and heartburns. Bring beer or wine. No guns. Decide who takes what role and where the lines are drawn. Be willing to give twice as much as you receive and try to always be the first to say I am sorry and please forgive me…and mean it. Also, there is not one thing wrong with consulting a relationship counselor if this person means enough to you. All you big toughies who refuse to go. It’s like being afraid of a kitten and I laugh in your general direction.

Phase 4 typically roles around in a year to 18 months and is usually marked by a very long term commitment marked by engagement and oftentimes co-habitation. Commitment phobes spit and sputter at this thought and to those folks I say, seek therapy. Find out what you want and need and have the gumption to go get it. This is where Beaker is out. This is grounds for a faith based counselor or a relationship professional. The Dating Phase has come to an end you can take a deep breathe and shut the door. you have found your soul mate life's partner. 

Back to where we began. Stepping carefully through the process of dating is a wonderful process and can be a place where you return often once your committed life together gets rough. Isn’t the idea that you can fall in love with your soul mate over and over again a beautiful thought? It is smokin’ hot if you ask me. This is the place where you earn it. This is where the basement is dug and foundation leading to forever is cemented. It is worth the effort and worth returning to when life grabs you and snatches you as it tends to do.