How To Date: Just the Basics

  Have you found yourself falling into one relationship after another without having ever given any real thought or effort into dating?  Dating in the manner we use it today is not so much a lost art as an art in development. Somewhere along with the liberation of women and the cultural shift caused by the globalization of our cultures we decided to marry and couple for romantic love rather than survival, and we decided to take the practice of courtship and blend it with a business interview and voila…dating was created. We are now jumping beyond what is expected of us for choosing relationships and into what serves us and our unique life goals.

Today love means having a partner. A support structure and a soul mate. This is a newish term in the concept of what romance is and permanent pair bonding with someone who doesn’t only serve our financial and family role needs but who serves our needs for intimacy intellectually, sexually and emotionally. Essentially the way we utilize the term “dating” for current purposes is to search and evaluate our options for the best possible partners that will grow with us through life and with whom we will grow old.

Not everyone wants or searches for the Leave it to Beaver family roles anymore. We all seem to get through the cultural relevancy in which we are taught what I deem to be the kindergarten version of how to pick a partner and we enter into young adulthood baffled and also befuddled on what to do to actually serve our future. This becomes particularly true when we follow the rules and do things right and stuff falls apart anyway or simply doesn’t happen.

Knowing how to date and being culturally relevant is critical. Faith based principals are very relevant and should not be based in fear and antiquity, or judgment. Rather, based in  love. God id love and there is a soul mate for each and every one of us and our journey is designed to lead us right into their arms. You should develop a perspective both on who does find you attractive, and is therefore within your league, and who does not find you attractive and therefore is not within your league. There are squeaks on this matter in earlier posts.

Everyone has an audience and there is someone for everyone. It is easy when it is right which can lead us to say “What’s with all the rules and nonsense.” However, relationships can go terribly and tragically wrong. Forget the predators (which includes womanizers and their female counterparts) and abusers for a moment and consider that two very good and honest people can find themselves in any number of pitfalls. You need to have self confidence and you need to know what it is that you are looking for in a relationship. This is accomplished through practice.

The very basics of Dating start with looking your best. Regardless of your size, shape or age. You need to be dressed up. Treat this with reverence and as the special occasion that it is.  You are grooming and molding your date on how you expect to be treated through the course of your relationship from the word go. Keep in mind that once you are married after years and years, you may find yourself going back to square one and dating them again in order to recreate some romance. Soo…. Care enough to get it right.

Ladies, it is my opinion that you should always be in a dress and heels. Your hair and make up should always be done. There are exceptions but there are no excuses accepted here. An exception is like this, I am 5 foot 9 and my date is 5 foot 5 so I choose not to wear heels but I also do not throw on old navy plastic flip flops. An excuse is, I don’t like dresses. Who cares, you are dressing for him and men like dresses…and heels. Men search for enduring sexuality and feminity. If he asked you out, then he sees something beautiful in you. If you asked him out, then you are doing it wrong and you need to realize that men will most likely take you for granted if you pursue him.

Men, you need to be in a collared shirt and dress shoes. Your hair needs to be cut and you need to be shaved. The trend for mustaches totally grosses me out and I have had very nice looking and successful men get passed up by ALL, yes ALL, of my members until they shaved their caterpillar. Beards are no good in my opinion either but if you must, a well groomed goatee or well groomed beard will due but makes me shake my head.

Men, open every door including car doors. If she touches a door, you have failed.  If the waiter pulls out a chair and you sit in it, you must then surrender your man card to the nearest Beaker.  Women want a protector and provider so please be manly.

Each of you should have about 5 questions up your sleeve if conversation lags. It’s a good idea to ask questions you would ask anyone and stay away from any point that you might find on a dot com dating profile on the first date. The number one turn off when it comes to first date conversations is having nothing to say, closely followed by feeling like you were just interrogated by a member of the dating FBI.

Here are 5 good and safe options:

1. How was your day?
2. What did you do today?
3. Have you ever been here before?
4. How long have you lived here?
5. How long have you been in your field?

Watch eye contact. If you make them look at the table or at their lap, you are making them feel uncomfortable. You should offer an answer to the questions that you ask regardless of whether or not they ask. If conversation is flowing like a great tennis match then go with it. It is very normal to feel awkward and be uncomfortable on a first date.

You won’t truly start getting to know this person until somewhere around date three or four so be cautious not to probe and dig too much. Until they trust you, you aren’t getting the information you are seeking anyhow. It takes a minute to get comfortable in each others space. Most of us have to grow into dating ninja status and most likely, you will be thinking more about your nerves and yourself than giving your attention to the other person. So, take it easy and slow and do your best to enjoy yourself. If you feel like your gonna ralph, its ok. We all do at first.

We all have an ideal self that we present to new people especially in a dating scenario. This isn’t to say that it is fake, but the natural way to get to know someone starts here. With the things they are comfortable sharing with a stranger. You will most likely collect information about your potential interest in this new person from much more subtle things than what they say to your questions. You will simple like their smile or the way they listen to you talk. Or any number of things that have absolutely nothing to do with the facts about themselves that they share right now.

There is only one first date and if you can answer I don’t know, yes or maybe to the question “Do I want to know more about this person?” A second date is definitely in order.

So, conversation happened and the check comes. Ladies, I always instruct you not to reach for the bill. The guy should take the bill the moment it is dropped and take the lead. I prefer that he pays because he asked you out. If he wants to split the bill then he needs to take the lead and give instructions to the wait staff to split the bill. Always be prepared to pay your own way but I always expect the guy to pay. I also always expect the girl to make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table too. I’m old school that way. It is also a fairly good indicator if you have a man who knows how to take the lead.

Say your goodbyes and I recommend not putting anyone on the spot and asking them out again unless the evening came with that clear and obvious mutual attraction which is so fun. By no means are you to go back to each others homes. Absolutely, no kanoodling. There’s no rules against making out like teenagers but there is no reason to jump ahead of the game either.

Girls, the waiting game kicks in at this point. Guys, it’s a classy move to ask her to text you when she gets home if you didn’t drop her off at her house. It volleys you nicely to reach out and call her the next day. I do not recommend waiting for three days if you are interested. In this day and age if you wait three days, you are sending more of a message that you are not interested and you really should make no presumptions at that point that she would even entertain a call from you.  If you are interested, call her the next day.

A great way to end a first date guys, is to tell her that you had a great time tonight and would love to take her to dinner to get to know her better. Ask her if you can call her tomorrow to make plans. When you do call her the next day, have plans in mind. Don’t leave the decisions up to her. Here is yet another opportunity to take the lead as the guy.

Ladies, men have to stick their neck out and risk getting shot down so when he calls pick up the phone. Don’t play games and if you aren’t interested, thank him for his interest and tell him you are flattered but not feeling a connection. 

Ladies you also have to wait for him to contact you again. No matter what. You can not reach out to him in any way until he reaches out to you. We girls stink at waiting around but this is just how it is. You can not start wearing the pants and taking the lead and you have to give him room to be a dude. Guys need time to go away and process an experience. You also have no right to assume that you are the only one he is dating until you two mutually agree to be exclusive. This could take awhile so be patient. The flip side is that you have the ability to date whom ever you please as well.

Do you see why you wouldn’t want to jump in the sack with someone until you are sure you are in a long term monogamous relationship that is headed somewhere besides the heartbreak hotel?

Troubelsome Cases

What do you do when you found a great soul who is so worthy of your adoration but whose past has left them tattered and bruised…and skeptical…and broken. Do you love them through it? Should you run?

Do you stay? Love them through it? This is tricky territory my dear one. This ground simply is not for rookies. You have to have the battle bruises and war torn prowess to navigate the dark lands. What I am telling you here is fact. I will not mince words. This simply can not be handled by the JV squad. If you are not willing and able to lose the game and have your face plastered on the news as a result, then you have a bye. This one is simply not for you. In the spectrum that is life after heart break you learn pieces of this side of heaven that can not be handled by the untrained.

Those of us with appropriate clearance are nodding our head in the know. If you feel that twinge, then my dear sweet soul, Run Forrest!!!!

I myself have been broken beyond the rules. That part in the bible where we are told you could be hunted and circled like a tiger by evil...yea, he was in my kitchen.  When he couldn’t make me cower in the corner and steal my world with threats, he picked me up off of the ground by my throat and slammed my head into my cabinets so hard that if I wasn’t quite sure I was taking one of my last breathes, I would have passed out. Luckily, my God and my sensei made sure that I knew what to do in that moment and when he saw I wasn’t going to lay down and die...don’t you know that he ran like a little kitty that he is!!

When you live through something like this, not only have you stared evil eye to eye but you walk through the rest of your days knowing so. It plays out in ways that are so complicated. Your ability to trust and accept in relationships again takes hard work. We are taught to keep that which does not belong in polite society buried away and I am telling you that fact is the screwdriver on the tool belt of evil. It is the go to that evil will not leave home without. I am also here to tell you that there is life and LOVE after the darkness does its best to consume you.

Please listen to what I am about to say to you. Please imagine that my hands are wrapped around your cheeks and that I am there to hug you because you deserve it. What happened to you happened to you and in no conceivable way happened because of you. We like quippy answers for life. Life on life’s terms deserves so much more than quippy, half-witted answers. The slogans come after the cycle of life has occurred. Once you have earned, lived and learned the crap that hunts us in life, then you “get” the slogans.

I am not trying to throw quippy half-witted crap at you today. In the moments we have together what I want you to walk away and begin to consider is this… if you are still here with me, then that tells me that life has already tried its best to kill you. First degree murder can happen to our soul and spirit just as much as it can to our bodies.

Relationships and love are the closest thing we see to the face of God and is the very breathe of time and energy. Love unites us all. We may call God by different names and we may bicker over politics, money and religion but unless we are true sociopaths we each know LOVE, and we sense that God is love. We know the passion that it creates and the power that it holds.

Some of us have to live in spite of it and in hope of it. Here is where we go with that.

You unfortunately have to learn and accept that in spite of what you have survived, the rules do in fact apply to you. You also have to learn first, how to trust yourself. Although these are easy sentences to write, they are very in depth life lessons and concepts to grasp and assimilate. If that makes you take a deep breathe or gives you heart burn, I urge you to take some time to kick that around the mental yard. Return when you have. It’s ok if this collects dust while you do.

You are not less valuable because of what you have survived, you are better equipped. You need to know this my dear, because you will send mixed messages to those who want to care about you. You will keep them at a distance out of fear that when they see the you that has earned the trophies and can prove it wit the scars, that they will see something war torn instead of someone adorable. NOT TRUE!!! They will see the warrior and the true diva. They will cherish it and they will protect it. You didn’t get here by mistake…maybe through mistakes, but never by mistake.

Just don’t be dumb. Don’t miss it. There are not unlimited chances and all of them require risk. When you follow the rules and the process, then with wisdom you will proceed. Being afraid to get hurt again is reality and being selfish in hurting others out of that fear is a rookie mistake. At that point, you have to turn in your gun and your badge. Return to training and try again. When you can respect yourself and your new shiny friend with the same respect or more as yourself, then you are getting started. When you can listen and hear their needs and be willing to make time and move mountains to be the person that does that for them...Eureka!!! You’ve got it my dear. You are a card carrying member of the varsity squad.

You do need to proceed with caution because you may run into those on JV squad. Don’t try to coach them to varsity. Watch for snakes!!! Look out for alligators. But dare to love and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are being prepared for the person who is being prepared for you. And dear God! Do not let them go when you find them. Treat them like the precious soul they are and when necessary grab hold and hold on…Love is not always the skip through the chocolate factory that we want it to be and when treated with the correct discernment and reverence that it deserves, It is ALWAYS the light at the end of the tunnel and port in the storm that we need. It then gets to be the fun times in life too.  Love yourself first. Keep and update your moral inventory and then have the balls to let yourself be Loved. Dare to be adored and demand to be cherished. You, darlin’ are so very worth it!!

There is An Art to Flirting

In my head there is a science to this dating gig...perhaps it's because this week 5 years ago my marriage imploded (June 8 is my day today).  I have spent every moment since studying this business of being single after cultural norms which tell us how to lock down a life with our soul mate slide across the field with their skirt over their \head…waa waa waa.

 I have been asked so many times what happened and how I became a matchmaker. These two things are in fact related and conveniently served by my education in behavioral science and biochemistry. I will explain how beaker became…beaker. I do feel that equal to my passion and my education, is my personal experience. Because I want you to bear your soul and know you are safe with me, I do feel that I owe you that story. It is coming to you somewhere near July 17th, but not today. Today, we are going to talk about one of my absolute favorite lessons in dating.

Why is it my fav you ask? When my baby and second son came to me a little tattered from life, as he often will being sensitive and fascinated by life and everyone in it, I will ask him where he left his power. I will then pull more power out of my pocket and pour it like fairy dust into his precious, perfect little hand. He will then rub it in like lotion all over his heart. I wish my dear one, that I could do that for you too. Please know this little Beaker serves this job with a Mother’s heart and you are all mine, once you are mine you are mine until I get to pass you off to your soul mate.

It all begins with a glance. If you will keep in mind that we all crave someone who finds us fascinating, who sees us as we were created. There are so many reasons why someone catches our eye. There are so many ways we attempt to get the attention of that curious creature…and there is a way that works.

It’s really hard and super complicated. No!! Not really. It’s really easy and requires very little skill. Here’s the trick! You hafta, hafta, hafta get out of your own head. Since I already pulled the Mama card on you earlier, I am now going to use it again. You are going to need to internalize and assimilate… by that I mean learn and use … this fact: It is NONE of your business what anyone thinks of you. I know sweetie. There’s a whole lotta life that totally blows and that’s one of ‘em.  Here’s another hard lesson. You need to internalize and assimilate the fact that you are AMAZING. The hard part of that is that you now need to conduct yourself at all times knowing that is fact. So, now you can’t have any reasonable or rational excuse to not execute the following. :0).

I need to talk to my girls first so guys, check scores or play a game...or scratch something, but check out until this paragraph and the next are over at the risk of growing ovaries. Girls, your job is to NOT pursue men. Believe me when I tell you that all men even those who do not deserve you will lose interest approximately 3 to 6 weeks after you begin pursuing them. May I remind you that I have proven my rules to be so very true along with hundreds of other singles, and other research? I don’t just sit behind a pretty desk and tell you stuff. I’m in the field ladies and I will let you know when I am spewing theory. Otherwise, you can rest assured that Beaker Speaks tried and true research in the book and in the fields. When you see a guy who catches your eye, you may let him know you are interested but you may not initiate lady!!! Do you here me Jack? Do not go pounce on some dude for any reason at all. It’s not good and by that I mean it’s sorta pathetic. Here’s what you do instead.

When you catch his glance the first time and your heart goes...What?!...purrrr. It’s on. Now you wait. If he is interested he will look again. This is why God gave you peripheral vision girls. Time to use it! When he looks your way again, it is now time to pull out the thirteen year old diva that we all keep locked and loaded. You smile... you may even head tilt, if you are me then you may even twirl your hair but I AM ridiculous… then you SMILE AT HIM and look away and at something else. Maybe your ipad, your phone, your friends…really anywhere else but him is fine. This is where You Do Not Stutter. This is when the ball is in your court and you close the deal with a smile and a blush, right before the anything else captures your attention. The smile can linger but that is all. Please remember in this moment that you are precious and perfect and deserving. The ball is in his curt now. You may not do anything else until he initiates. Ever…ever, ever. If this concept eludes you, please watch the movie He’s Just Not That Into You at least twice.

Hello boys, welcome back! Girls, it’s time for you to do your nails or something fun. Come back later. This is why you get to have a man card and where the responsibility begins in which it could be revoked. Please note the responsibility here is yours unless you want to replace said man card with the man purse carrying douche card. The purse is a penance...FYI. You also have to stick your neck out here. Remember I am playing the Mama card all over the place here today and I am telling you what my little men will know, Do not play with women like they are toys. I do have the authority to revoke your man card and I will not hesitate to do it.  It is the highest privilege and makes you just below Christ to the right woman. Regard it properly and fail it at your peril.

If you have a shelf where you place women while you are playing… please delete this post and move on. You do not yet posses your man card or perhaps you are recalibrating but the result is the same. You may come back when you are ready to play as a whole man on life’s terms. I am a hard ass, I know and as the mama of boys, it is what it is. Stand by for the recalibrating post and return when you’ve cleared the level and slain the appropriate dragons. Kisses!

Since you have to stick your neck out, I do not want you going all willy nilly and get your head chopped off by some scary chick. When that lady catches your eye and you go in for the assessment, have the gumption to go over and strike up a conversation. Say hello and tell her your name, get hers and then give her genuine compliment. Buy her a drink or ask her to leave the pack of chicks she travels with to talk with you one on one. Tell her she is pretty and that you would like the chance to get to know her. Ask her if you can call her TOMORROW. Let the record show, that is not 3 days from now. :0)!!

Ladies hate that and often, will not tolerate it. We interpret a lack of once a day communication as disinterest or being a player, captivated by women who are not us. That’s not good boys, if it is your wish to see her naked at some point. Also, for the record, if you begin this line of interest disingenuously, then I revoke your man card for 90 days and give nothing but stage 4 clingers as a lesson. When you are too scared to handle your woman when she shows up it truly breaks my heart because I almost always give her to someone else who cherishes her when you would not. Sad face. This is avoidable. When Your Lady shows up, please be ready. My point is this, self actualization and transparency is always worth it even when it hurts. Surrounding your heart in ice because it got hurt only ensures you will let your wife marry someone else.

In all seriousness, when your eye catches someone else. Do it right. Treat it as if it will be your last chance and if you can not do that… Pull the rip cord. Bail out. You may hurt a precious soul who does not deserve it and if you chicken out, then you may be passing up your future. Stay connected to your heart and what it needs. And for the love of all things holy, don’t treat souls like toys. If you pursue, be genuine and if you are interested...BE!!! buckle up kids, this dating thing is not for sissies.

The 5 You Can't Live Without

I do lots of research and read anything that I can get my hands on to help me guide singles through dating life…myself included. I like to think that each of my singles have a dating start date and an end date that lands them in the relationship that lasts a lifetime. There are few greater emotional floods than that which occurs during a budding relationship. These range from fear to elation. Dating Strategy is well advised so that you can land in a relationship where both your needs and your partner's needs are met. Tackling a relationship without first knowing what it is that you need is silly. It's a lot like trying to hit a target in the dark room. SO many of my singles come to me having no idea how to approach choosing a partner by entering into the dating process by putting their needs first. I tell you, this is ok and critically important. Being self focused is in no way being selfish. Only bytrusting that you can depend on your partner to possess what you need to rely on, can you confidently build a life with them where you can meet their needs as well. 

One of my go to books was written by the Matchmaking Queen herself, Patti Stanger. Her book is called “Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate.“ In this book she outlines a great concept for outlining your "5 Non-Negotiables." Your 5 Non-Negotiables would be your true absolute deal breakers, those which ignoring would land you in a situation that has very little chance, if any, of meeting your needs longterm. Using Patti’s guideline will allow you to know if you are nit- picking yourself out of your viable relationship options or if you are sliding down the slippery slope of dismissing your needs.

Here’s how I interpret and use her advice on finding the 5 Non-Negotiables of your needs from a romantic partner in the long run. 

Take a blank piece of paper. Make 3 columns that go down the page.

At the top of the page the first column will be labeled 5 BEST QUALITIES. 

The middle Column will be labeled NAME. 

The last column will say 5 WORST QUALITIES.  

Then you will revisit your past 5 romantic relationships. You write their name in the center column. You will write the 5 best things that they brought to your life and to your relationship in the first column and you will write the 5 worst qualities that they brought to your life and to your relationship in the last column. If you don’t have 5 past romantic relationships, I say use the parents, grandparents and siblings of the same gender that you date in their place. My reasoning for this is that those are often the people who help us form the qualities that we choose from our relationships. At the end of this assignment, you will have a list of all the greatest things these relationships have brought to you and a list of all the unmitigated crap that you’ve been putting up with from your relationships.

Ok, now step 2. Take a long soulful look at the way you would like to be treated and what you deserve from a partner. What does your ideal relationship look like. Please be careful that you are using reality and not the Disney channel to form these expectations.With this in mind, use both columns of qualities you've experienced in relationships past and write down 5 simple statements that you can’t live without in a relationship. Only 5. Write them on a business card and carry them around in your wallet.

Here are mine:
1. Protector/Provider Spirit
2. Mentor and friend to my boys
3. Able to support my career and passion without being threatened or limiting to my choices.
4. Someone whose intelligence and career I admire
5. Lacking in effeminate qualities

After the third date or so… or whenever that point in time occurs that you find your heart ceomcing wrapped around this person, pull this card out and give it a gander. This usually occurs in the big middle of a dopamine high and the thrill of a new romance. Keep referring to this card through out the time that you are getting to know this person over the first several months. Be bold enough to admit to yourself when someone is wrong, pivot and move on. Be brave enough to accept that you can grow through the little annoyances and imperfections of someone who inspires and intrigues you when they say…meet your 5 Non-Negotiables but have a few extra pounds or a little less hair than you wish. My singles find this tool extremely helpful, as do I.

This business of looking at ourselves squarely in the mirror and facing single life with a boldness and confidence that allows us to draw in and accept the right partner is not easy, but it’s totally worth it. I challenge you to define your 5 Non-Negotiables and to have them in your wallet when we meet again to explore more about the Rules of Dating.

Happy Dating!~Amanda

Check Your Deserve Level

Deserve Level is one of those terms that came about through working with countless individuals who share the experience of having been made to feel inherently inadequate and broken.  Be it derived from parents who lack the nurturing spirit we crave, lovers who mistreat us or friends who betray our trust, anyone who rips holes in our spirit can contribute to us abandoning the basic survival skills of meeting our own needs.  Shoot! Some of us only need a mirror and that voice in our head to get the job done! We would never allow someone to speak to a person we love the way we are willing to speak to ourselves. For Pete’s Sake that’s just silly.

Damaged Deserve level just leaks out of us in the things we say and do and in the partners we choose. If we all treated each other as if we wore a t-shirt that said “MAKE ME FEEL IMPORTANT,” then we could build ourselves by building others. If we dared to go inside of ourselves long enough to patch up the wounds and fortify our souls with the knowledge of what actually serves our needs, then we could approach our dating life with the tenacity and confidence that we deserve. We could dare to pick a partner who is good enough for us and when needed acknowledge that one exists.

Shall we take a peek inside that dark, scary neighborhood that is our head? We have so much to learn when we look at what it looks like to the passersby when we forget to take our tool belts within and therefore go without the structural remodel that we deserve when a relationship kicks us square in the butt.  We can go together, there is power in numbers.  Isn’t it just a little creepy how the relationships of years past can resemble the parts of ourselves that we really needed to take a jack hammer to? Those traits we’d like to sweep under the rug in ourselves ended up being the most prevalent characteristics of those we chose to spend most of our time and thoughts with? Insert chuckle here. It makes is easier to swallow the suck.

Let me be the first to say that I have cleared them all. I have the scars and bruises to prove it!! Also, let’s just admit that when something pisses us off, it’s usually the case that we have stumbled upon a truth that we are not yet willing to tackle. If we can agree on that point and you agree to give me permission to speak my Beaker mind without taking it personally, then you are invited to proceed. If not! Do not pass go! Stop here and return next week. (GRIN)

Self-sabotage comes in a rainbow of presentations and sometimes even sparkles…the most shiny of the self-sabotage repertoire is that of the ridiculous diva attitude. Gentlemen you are not off the hook here! Ladies tend to frequent this particular realm more often and in heels no less. But I have seen many of raging hissy fits from men as well. If there are more people who just aren’t good enough for you and if you find yourself needing to condescend to others to convey how special you are…my friend grab your boa and tiara. You are a grand diva desirous.  A true diva will dote on their partner and fulfill their needs by uplifting those around them. The true dive attracts rather than repels and needs to tell no one how fabulous they are. This truly comes from the lowest of self value and these divas really just need a hug and some praise.

Oh the hissy fits I’ve endured from The frantic ninja…  this self-sabotage typically  is found amongst very intelligent, very round souls who prefer to attack Beaker than to attack a stair master. When reality bites, resist the urge to bite back. You will usually only end up chewing your own arm off.  When dating is more of a disconnect than a fluid and fun experience, I would send you back to the Laws of Attraction.  At the end of the day the dating jungle is ruled by those who follow the rules. If you don’t like your place on the food chain, change it. Lighting your dates on fire, or your beaker, only serves to land you alone, without companionship or the respect of those who meet you. The frantic ninja is usually a very fragile creature who needs love and a hug even when they are slicing you in half.

Negative Nelly is easily spotted. This self-sabotage is usually marked by having a barrage of complaints and problems come spilling out each time their mouth is open. These souls unwittingly drain the people around them. It can literally feel like you are carrying them around on your back. Everyone has problems and annoyances in life. Everyone’s work is demanding. Let’s face this one head on too, if anyone liked their ex, they wouldn’t be an EX! Dating is supposed to be fun, not free therapy. Your man or your woman deserves your best, not your baggage. When you’re this much of a drag when it’s supposed to be fun, can you imagine what is expected when life hits the dirt? This is usually a soul whose needs are not being met. We all crave love and attention. We get love and attention a different way.

 The WIIFM (wyfum) used to be a very elusive creature, but its threat as a species is over and its numbers are growing at a healthy rate. The WIIFM- What’s In It For ME?!  This self-sabotaging creature will actually make you feel guilty for expecting your needs to be considered as well. How dare you!! I kid! When you only want someone there according to your schedule or when something works for you. You belong to this species. Often adorable and intriguing like a mogwai (the cuddly gremlin) but expectation and equal consideration is like adding water. Holy cow! Watch out! This one lands you alone and worse. This one will cause you to lose the respect of the people who call you friend as well.  It’s usually not malicious in intent but stems from being over scheduled, over tired, over worked and underappreciated. But it is toxic to a new relationship however innocent it may be.

The Island. I don’t need anyone. This self-sabotage is usually just a wall built by someone who has been used, taken for granted and tossed a way. It’s ok to be alone. It’s not ok to be alone and wish you had a soul mate.

Perfection on a stick. I’m already doing everything right! It’s everyone else that needs to get a clue. If this is true….let’s look. When was your last fulfilling relationship? It’s time to dislodge the stick and follow the rules. It’s handy to remember… Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Courtney-ism 1239…she tells me this all the time. I’m slow, I need things repeated. Again, this reaction is often sourced by souls who were told they are worthless by someone who should have loved them. The soul knows it’s infinitely valuable and is just trying to be heard.

Here’s how it can be…  Imagine your next relationship beginning like this metaphor.. Ok it’s not a metaphor but don’t you dare say this literally to your dates. Here’s who I am. Here’s what I need. I would like to get to know you and find out if you can meet those needs and make life more than it is without you. Can we agree to say what we mean and be as transparent as possible? I will try to be patient and always give you the benefit of the doubt. Will you make your best effort to return that favor? I will do my best to consider your needs as my own. Wanna make out? Good stuff huh?! That's the reflection of a proper deserve level.

Listen, if we can’t laugh at ourselves on this journey to rewriting the rules of an antiquated dating world,  then we are all going down together on our sinking ship. Don’t take any of this personally. Be objective. And if you have something to say, I implore you to press the comment button and share in the discussion. It is anonymous and will always be. I get lots of reviews by private email…which I love!!!

Now I want you to write down each time you find yourself kicking your mental butt. Write the gist of what you said to yourself. Now write down a counter to it. Like chess, or war! Reset your belief process. Each thing has an opposite that is probably more true. If this is particularly hard, get a therapist. It is time. Now dig out a rubber band. Wear it around your wrist and snap it each time you tell yourself something mean about you or let some negative comment spill out of your mouth. It works like this…What you think, you say. What you say, you do. What you do, you have. Make sure what you think is what you want. How is someone going to love and respect you if you don’t care to do it yourself? 

The Graceful Exit

This is a term that is great in concept and a difficult execution. In theory this is the part of The Dating Strategy where you realize in the first phase of dating that your new friend is just that, a friend and not more. There are many reasons which may lead us to the conclusion that this person is not for us.

This little Beaker and the clients that I have worked with over the past few years have found setting rules for predictable and unavoidable dating situations to be helpful. In my own dating strategy I have chosen to go ahead and work this expectation into the conversation early into the deal. When it becomes apparent that we are going to be spending time together on a regular basis, I find it comforting to mention that if there is a reason we should not continue to explore a relationship that we decidedly become friends and try to avoid hurt feelings with honesty.

Now as much as we may want to, you just can’t go around throwing a rule book on the table with a new person in your life. It would be fabulous to treat one another with respect and it would be super to have a defined cultural standard for these situations, but we do not. The thing with the graceful exit is that you can use this function whether you are on the administering end or on the receiving end. Perhaps it is easier to begin defining the graceful exit by giving a few scenarios that are not a graceful exit. The goal is to pivot and move forward on our single journey with our dignity in tact right? ...Right?!

Ok so, not so graceful tactics of ending a relationship include becoming a phantom. It’s just rude to be all into someone and then vanish with no explanation. Here is an opportunity to use the forthcoming strategy. Being a coward isn’t cool and skulking away without explanation is in fact being a coward. As is, treating them as your own personal toy that you can take of the shelf as you please and pay no attention to unless convenient for you. If you change your mind or discover a new shiny object of affection, then tell the person you’re not feeling it and let them know you are peacing out. Integrity is the life event under which this particular one falls.

Another one is the blame game. Some folks just don’t operate at the same speed or even on the same planet as you do. This is not their fault. They are not wrong because the dating effort ended in a swing and a miss. Listen, Jack! This Dating thing is not for sissies. 

I want all whose eyes find this page to pay close attention to the next point!! Nobody owes you a darn thing in this game of love. You are not entitled to an explanation no matter how deserving you may be to one. You can not expect to be heard or to earn another minute of their time when the object of your affection has checked out. This is where we dating ninjas learn to employ a life skill called emotional management. What is emotional management you say?

Emotional Management is the highly actualized ability to realize that your hurt feelings and pissed off- ed-ness (Yea, that’s what I said) is YOUR issue NOT their issue. Let’s take a deep breathe and refill the coffee while we process that one.

What this means is that when things fall apart, zig or zag in a direction in which you do not approve, or when your sweetie doesn’t experience the same value that you do, or fails to see happily ever after as you do….You can not blame them. I highly recommend that you refer back to the rules and phases of dating and check your reality against your choices. If you aren’t getting what you wish, chances are you found somebody else’s fish. Throw them back into the pond. It will be fine and dandy. I am not saying that you should let someone treat you without respect and I am encouraging you to draw a line in the sand and require anyone you meet to treat you as you would treat them. There are douche bags in the water and gators so please do BEWARE. So in the land of civility we will move forward.

This is where I get to go all Beaker on your cute little self because there is a reason why the cadence of a relationship begins with dating. And there is a reason why you should protect your heart, your head and your pants from pre-mature umm…. Well prematurity. I’m gonna leave it at that for now. There are all sorts of feel good chemicals and primal drives that go on in your brain chemistry when you find someone that makes you feel warm and fuzzy. There is also a super deeply engrained sense of your psyche and its processes working right along side of those chemicals. When you find someone who’s got the warm and fuzzy triggers in the right order and who is hitting the bullet points on those confounded checklists we carry around with us, you may find yourself deep in the throws of a swirling head. And I highly recommend that you revere it according to your genetics. That applies to both my guys and my girls…yay!!! We are taught this as teens but we chuck it as grown ups. We shouldn’t.

It’s perfectly natural to hit the freak out button when your feelings get hurt. So, I suggest that when you are in a good place that you develop An Action Plan for emotional management. Then when the feathers hit the fan, you can go into MANAGEMENT MODE which is much more dignified than freak out mode. Yes baby doll, that is an actual thingy and it works! Once upon a time back in my business training days when I was all wide eyed and bushy tailed, some smart fella taught me that a critical skill in executive management is gathering data while waters are calm. Making a decision on possible outcomes and then.. hold onto your hat….. executing those decisions when the need arises. How about that! Simple enough. That’s what we are doing here, samesies!

Here’s an action plan that has worked with me and many of my singles. Hang on, you are going to need to whip out the 5 Non-Negotiables from the blog post The 5 You Can’t Live Without. Ya know, the ones you keep in your wallet or smartphone at all times. {Sidebar: If you have not yet done this for yourself, I give you a head tilt and a one eye closed glare. And ask you, “If you are going to half ass this, are you willing to have your whole ass handed to you and be all sad?”}. Knowing your 5 deal breakers arms you with the most critical tool for navigating your road map into a successful relationship. 

The action plan goes like this, when you identify reasons why any or many of these 5 non-negotiables (shout out to Patti Stanger for giving us this tool) are not going to be working out for you in this relationship, you have a conversation with yourself and perhaps you could include a spiritual source in this conversation. My go to is Jesus, we go back years. You then need to let it go. Accept defeat or failure or missed chances. Then you need to communicate this respectfully and with compassion to your new friend.

This is not the time to go over a laundry list of their shortcomings or lack of ability to check off the bullet points on your checklist. Hence, the graceful exit and not the rude, bitchy exit. You are going to know which form of communication is most appropriate. Oh and honey, if they are an ass, you can be a little bitchy….but just a teeny bit so that they know not to touch fire. The high road is always best but Jesus did throw the smack down on occasion.

Please don’t weasel out of doing the right thing here. You will need to go to your grave with your character and integrity in tact…these moments provide such opportunity. Go so far as to write it down for yourself so you don’t become a rambling, sniveling idiot. Just let them know that you value the time you have spent with them and that you admire, respect (or some other positive term) them, but that you need to go in another direction because things haven’t grown into what you had in mind.

Stick around and give them the dignity to ask you questions. We all deserve this and need it for our own personal growth. If they go all crazy on you it is ok to exit stage left. If you wish to be friends with this person then leave it positive and friendly. This is another chance to grow into a diva or keep your man card….please remember nobody wants a weak coward and proving that you are is not good for your dating karma.

You are then going to stop seeking their time. Don’t email them. Don’t facebook stalk them. Remove them from all social media friending and such. Don’t text them and certainly do not allow yourself to booty call them. If there is any amount of alcohol or sad and whiny in your system they are not in play. I recommend just deleting them. It is a VERY satisfying moment!!! This is when you start the management phase of your previously developed plan. Do not allow yourself to become a clinger…don’t do it. It’s pathetic and robs you of your dignity. Don’t go back. Don’t fall into the icky goo of the constant rebound with the wrong person. It’s an epic waste of time.

Now, if someone smacks you upside the head with a surprise Graceful Exit. Hear them out even if you tune them out. Consider the possibility that this may not be a time to respond or react. If you must, you may ask them for a chance to know why things didn’t work out, but I suggest that you request that at another time and I prefer an email. Emotions are sticky and the answers we hope to find in these situations rarely appear as desired. Like yourself enough to not really care what their opinion of you is. There is a soul mate out there designed especially for you and your journey will lead you to them. They will think you are perfect. They are right. Which allows us to logically conclude this person is wrong. Handy huh?!

Wrapping your mind around the fact that you will like people who don’t like you back is hard. You will be disappointed by seeing more in people than they see in themselves. You will in fact be frustrated, irritated and experience rejection. You will also dish out the same in healthy doses. This is the unfortunate reality of being single, especially with the complications of having a failed fairy tale under your belt. Being a responsible dater is kinda like having car insurance. At some point the investment in now will be helpful later.

We all receive grace when we do not deserve it. We all have the responsibility to extend it especially when someone is sweet enough to allow us near their heart. It’s scary for even the most skilled dating ninja to be vulnerable and emotionally available. Please treat yourself like precious cargo because it can be a jungle out there. Equally as important, please treat that precious soul in front of you like precious cargo too. They may not be your “the one” but they are for somebody. In dating Rule #1: First do no harm.  We all get the privilege of adding a little something to each others journey no matter how it pans out. We should end it with the same amount of effort in which we begin it. 

The Confounded Checklist

We begin building a prototype of our perfect person at the very moment  we land our first crush. I am not sure about the rest of the world but my oldest son cleared that milestone on the third day of kindergarten.  He bounced off the school bus with his freckles in all his glory and gleefully announced as his foot hit the sidewalk “Mommy you’re not my girlfriend anymore, Maddie is!” …”Oh reheheheallly!!!”  And it begins….. We spend our formative years building this exhaustive list that we use to measure those who make us feel fuzzy and are only a pretty strangers to us at first.  These checklists used to be safe and reliable in the good ole’ days. They used to also be built from home grown communities and fathers and REAL PEOPLE.  

So here we uncover another antiquated dating ritual that we still use and which no longer serves the vast majority of those who use them. These days Disney has replaced reality in the building blocks of who we expect to sweep us off our feet. We meticulously design our soul mate between our ears fiber by fiber as if we can order them online and have them built. Often times, we create these confounded checklists during a time when life is more of a look into the future than grounded in the here and now.

Do we ever find the living version of this confounded checklist? And let earth shake with a resounding NO!!! Does this mean we won’t find our soul mate along with the unconditional and immeasurable love that we deserve? Heck no. We not only can find love, but it’s actually probable if we stop the frilling self-sabotage and dare to hold ourselves as accountable as we do our partners.  When we follow the rules and acknowledge that unless you are an actual Prince or Princess you are subject to the laws of attraction and most of the time we just need get over ourselves. The fact of the matter is that there is a group of people who literally build a force field of their own expectations around them and effectively trap themselves in a single stasis.

Ok so we’ve landed square on our ass in the middle of life. What do we do when  reality bites us hard? We need to begin by making sure first and foremost, that our deserve levels are intact and that we are capable determining Patti’s 5 Non-Negotiables. We need to understand what our League is and who might actually want to see us naked for the rest of our days. We then need to make sure that our checklists have been recalibrated to our current reality.  We need to follow it up by making sure that who we are and where we are in life is reflected in who we are allowing ourselves to consider.

A great way to tackle this particular monster is to look and see who wants to meet us. Next, after we have dated enough to know who is available to us, we can begin grasping the concept of our perfect partner. At that point we have a really solid shot at what it looks like to build a real live, carbon based relationship.  Awesome! In the next squeak we will sink our teeth into this concept.

Some of us may have done a good job of updating the confounded checklists we carry around in our head. Some of us may need a complete overhaul. Let’s say we keep that which serves our goals for happily ever after and scrap the rest. There is so much freedom in a commitment to abandon an antiquated system which leaves us single and frustrated rather than face the roar of fear. Be Bold. Chuck the confounded checklists we began forming during the days where we were likely to actually run around in a princess costume and tiara…guys replace that visual with cape and a light saber.

Here’s what one chick’s checklist may look like. My Dreamy Prince will…

• Work in the field of Law or be a doctor
• He will play the guitar
• He will ride a motorcycle
• He will be 6 feet tall
• He will never have been married
• He will be a member of my very same church
• He will not have any children
• He will have blue eyes
• He will be the picture of health and never be weak
• He will love to listen to me talk about myself for hours

Oh, go ahead and roll your eyes. I built that list from ACTUAL DEMANDS m'dear. Do you see how absolutely nothing in that confounded checklist has anything to do with how he is willing to treat us or how we are able to support each other’s hopes and dreams?  Do you also see how there is no reverence to the qualities that will actually serve our needs? At one time, I believed that women were more likely than men to sabotage their own relationship futures by holding onto these notions of fantasized perfection. But they aren’t. Men do it too.  No doubt, we earnestly give it a good college try when we choose our first love and we make every attempt to marry our perfect checklist. We also watch it unravel when the heartbeat of a relationship isn’t served by our confounded checklist.

There are some tools from Disney that we can take on the road to reality and put to good use. The mirror, mirror on the wall is quite handy in realizing that we are eternally 25 in our heads…but only in our heads.  The magic carpet ride truly requires some psychedelic substances and if we are going to have a Princess complex whether we be girl or boy…. Our Daddy’s face needs to be on the money we spend.

Let’s face it! The white horse is more likely ridden by the guy who will tie us to the train tracks and when you’re climbing her hair up the castle wall, boys…it’s probably a weave. Dating can be a little confusing as it does take us out of the daily routine of our reality. Still I implore you to use the tools of dating Earthlings. If you date men then mold your expectations of a relationship to those which can be accomplished by a man. If you date women do the same. Men need space to veg out in front of sports center and to be emotionally vulnerable. They need someone who will give them a break from life’s stressors of being the protector and provider. Women need someone who will understand that leaving the toilet seat up can in fact mean that you don’t consider her needs. Women want men to make them feel chosen and who anticipates her needs and takes care of some of the little things in life. Men need women who understand that they are brilliant and complex and yet their needs are simple. Food, Sex, Money all things flow through these channels in their guy heads.

I would love to see a virtual bonfire of the fairytale inspired, unobtainable traits we screen strangers against  in all the glory of the bras burned in the 1960s. Ha! Ya know the thing I hear from just about everyone who allows me into their bubble, is they really want someone to pick up the phone when they’ve had something in life raise their blood pressure. They want someone to share life’s little victories. They want someone to wonder around with on Saturday and eat dinner with when they come home from work. They want someone who can hold the thing while they screw it into the wall and they want someone to snag the dry cleaning occasionally. We really don’t miss the idealized traits of Aladdin when we find ourselves alone. We miss the way we share life’s monotony. We miss the person who knows how we like our coffee and understands why we are just more comfortable in life when we drink red bull out of a wine glass.

We just want to be loved, unconditionally and without measure. Yes passionately, we all deserve to be the sexiest thing our partner can imagine. But after that 30 minutes of the day is over, we cherish the comfort of knowing that for the other 23 and half hours of the day we are understood and supported. Happily Ever After looks a lot more simple than riding off into the sunset on a magic carpet. It looks a lot more like sitting on the back porch, next to a grill watching the sunset in ponytails, flip flops and ball caps.