Many of my singles have taken pause at the thought of dating with the express purpose of focusing first on their own needs. When you are ready to date with the focus of finding a long term monogamous relationship, you will need to find a partner who meets your needs and whose needs you meet in turn. Novel concept, huh?
All too often we choose someone who meets the need to keep us from being alone. We do silly things like over commit: committing either in our minds, with our resources or with our time before we've seen all they have to offer. After the initial hormone rush settles down, and we need more than someone to fill the empty space and rock our world in the sheets, we are left with those basic relationship needs still not fulfilled. Yikes!!! By knowing the Rules of dating and using them as a framework for measuring the unpredictability of real live relationships, you will be better prepared to recognize when you are sliding into a slippery pit.
Once a meaningful relationship has ended and you've had the chance to recalibrate and to experience life contently as your single self, then dating with a progression into a relationship is possible and probable. Dating during the recalibration phase and choosing a committed relationship is very tricky business. This is where red flags are dismissed and your needs are set aside. When we over commit, it's super easy to cast away our needs and bend into what we think we need to be to keep that person around. The fact of the matter is that choosing a relationship during this recalibration phase often leads to what I like to call a mulligan. There is a huge difference between relationship material and toy material. Neither are inherently bad or good in and of themselves, they should just be embraced and squarely employed for the desired outcome. This subject is deserving of its own curtain call and will be thoroughly explored in Squeaks to come.
Before we get back to the matter at hand, let's walk down memory lane for a moment, shall we? Once upon a time we all decided what we did and did not want from a soul mate. We created the confounded checklist that we carry around in our head and use to measure the people up for consideration.Can you recall when you formed your checklist? By any chance was it when you had a curfew and homework due on Monday? Now let's pause…How's that working for us? Yeah! Mine needed to be scrapped and rebuilt from the ground up. We'll get there in due time.
Let’s hold two facts true. One, we are operating our current needs with antiquated ideas that do not serve our current reality and two, we need a recalibration phase of dating to find out which part of the fairytale must go and what our current needs are based on a healthy dose of reality. Then and only then, will we be able to avoid the land mines that land us with our tail feathers lit on fire once again. Dating to recalibrate is the matter before us today.
This is a very simple strategy that falls under my Rules of Dating.
RULE #1: I deserve to know what I need and who's available to me.
Nobody who will ever be a candidate for relationship material should jump in the sack in the first 3 dates. That’s not dating, that is something all together different. Dating is taking the time to be in someone's space and finding out if you are intrigued, inspired and attracted to them.
The first date should answer one question. Do I want to know more? If the answer is yes or I don't know, a second date is warranted. Most of us are a nervous wreck on the first date. We are so consumed by minding our Ps and Qs that we really aren't paying all that much attention to the other person. Considering that a major junk of singles today re-enter the dating arena after being out for years or decades, these singles find out that the rules of the game are completely different at 40 than they were at 22 and the singles that they now attract are totally different. This scenario usually requires a complete overhaul but we all have to start somewhere. So you may as well get started. Staying in touch with BeakerSpeaks will give you the tools to update your game and sufficiently recalibrate.
RULE#2: No discussing compatibility points and relationship goals on the first date!!!!
And I mean it. Don't do it. My fellow control freaks...I am talking to you expressly. We are much more likely to be misunderstood and misinterpreted than anything else when breaching these subjects before our newly procured cutie pie has a chance to get to know us so that they can hear our hearts on the matter. Yea, go ahead and roll those eyes back into the forward position. I wasn't so thrilled about the thought of "wasting time" as a new single chick but it's true. Besides, who cares if you both want 2.5 kids if you can't be friends?
As dates four through six unfold, these things will start to blossom. At the first sign that your goals aren't shared, immediately place the person in the friend pile and move on. Just so we're clear, compatibility points are those things you might find on a dot com profile or the bullet points in those confounded checklists we carry around in our heads. I have witnessed singles of all ages spend large chunks of time single and frustrated by virtue of hanging onto those things and jumping the gun on letting relationships unfold.
We are going to dive into The Rules of The First Date and The Phases of Relationships before we tackle The Laws of Attraction. We need to get out there and practice. We need to explore in the field as we build our foundation of tools for landing in our Happily Ever After.
Happy Dating Sassy Singles! We’ll be chatting again very soon! ~amanda
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