There’s no pun intended in that title. If you’re mind works like mine, we need to gather our thoughts from the gutter and proceed on hallowed ground. The dating game is little more than playing our cards in the right sequence. We need to place the right card on the table at the right time so that in the process of getting to know someone as a friend, coupled with the emotions of attractions, we are able to convey our innermost thoughts to our date in a manner than can be received as they are intended. We need to avoid the scenario of dumping our bags and purses in our dates lap. Therefore, the Rules of the second date were born. This gives us the chance to play our cards in the proper order that attract the people who intrigue us long enough for them to get to know our hearts and therefore hear us in our true intent.
We all have a tendency to leak out false impressions in the attempt to guard ourselves from past wounds. We also all have a tendency to rehearse scripts on the first few dates which are intended to lay out the path to the kind of relationship we most desire. The functional consequence of this is usually being misinterpreted, misunderstood and dumped! Square on our cute little fannies. I am currently dating a wonderful man who embodies all of the traits that I want and need the most from a partner. He possesses all of my 5 Non-Negotiables, laid out in Squeak 3. Our meeting was quite serendipitous and we had our second date the night after we first met. We were having dinner at a great little Italian place and having the normal conversation of two people who just met. You know our jobs, our families, our kids and what we found funny that day. Did I mention that he is incredibly sexy? It’s worth mentioning.
He asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. Being the Beaker that I am, I offered a very general answer of a partner that I found intriguing and genuine or some BS along those lines because I knew full well I was standing in the big middle of a relationship mine field. I also thought he might be worth getting to know better so I kept my cards close to my vest laying a pretty low number on the table and saving my face cards for later when we each knew each other long enough for the information to be received as it was intended. In good turn, he offered what he was looking for in a relationship. He said he wanted someone whose company he enjoyed and whom he could take to dinner according to his hectic work schedule but that he had been single for years and was perfectly happy to stay that way. Now, I had been through dating for fun and was decidedly ready to date with the purpose of giving my attention only to men who share goals. Why bother allowing my heart to get attached to someone who doesn’t want what I want? I am not willing to follow the fool’s maxim of wanting to change another person’s life goals. I knew at this point that it wasn’t going anywhere past friendship and kept my options open.
Within two weeks I had cut ties to pursue a relationship with my shared goals as a result of that one statement. It wasn’t until later that I found out that he was very disappointed that I chose not see him anymore. Thankfully we reconnected down the road a bit and laugh about that moment in time, but I want you to take from this story that the leaks we display and the confounded checklist that rule us often cut off a great relationship before it ever gets out of the gate. He did not hang his hat on living life as a bachelor, but in fact, has had enough stage four clingers that he likes to throw out a little clinger repellent. In this moment he found that it repells women he wants as well. We all need to protect ourselves but we need to examine our words and make sure we say what we mean or simply keep the conversation on the teens in proms dresses across the room or something equally amusing and trivial.
On the second date, it’s okay to explore those things that can be found on a dot com profile as long as the conversation is flowing like friends and resembles nothing of a job interview. The receiving end of searching questions can feel like a torpedo blast instead of a thought provoking inquiry. You have to have earned your dates trust enough to get a complete, well formulated and true answer. Otherwise, you’ll get some words strung together that have as much depth and truth as a sitcom where life is broken and repaired in 30 minutes and equally as rehearesed. Rather, it’s wise and more fruitful to talk like friends about whatever comes to mind and let the discovery unfold organically. You will walk away with much more accurate information, and hang onto your hats here….You may actually be able to gauge whether or not you are attracted to them. Another novel idea, eh?! It’s true that men are physically driven first and that women are more likely to be first driven by emotional and intellectual drives but each of our camps has lots of wiggle room that gels when we have an understanding of our dates wit and charm. Another reason why we should burn our checklists like a 1960’s bra!!!!
Ladies be patient enough to allow him to chase you. It’s the power balance in motion. You have to allow him to earn you. Guys, it’s a law as dependable as gravity. If you want to the privilege of seeing her naked, you will find a way or make a way to be in her space. Otherwise, she’s not that important to you or something in the power balance is definitively broken. You must chase in order to be seen in her eyes as a virile man. If she has to chase you, you are now wearing the skirt. On this note, ladies do not ask a man out ever, for any reason. Do not reach out to him by email, text, phone or in person to initiate contact or at the very least don’t be shocked when he trades you in for someone who made him earn her. The same applies for jumping in the sheets on date number two as well.
We all know that we are being measured up for size on a date but who wants to feel like they have to pass the invisible standard? The moment that we lose sex appeal or seem hard to please, we can plan next Saturday on the couch. By playing the cards over the first phase of dating, we allow ourselves the time to get to know our date as trust builds and we feel safe. There is no need for throwing down our demands and ruling with a scepter pronouncing our expectations and the consequences of not meeting our invisible expectations. More singles than I would like to admit do an equivalent on the first few dates and then bizarrely come to me baffled as to why they are still single. We can trust that when we lay down a card and in turn they lay one down as well, we are safe to open our emotions for consideration and the parts of our soul being exposed are in safe hands. We never want our date to unintentionally feel scolded or reprimanded. We never want to feel as if we have laid private information into the hands of someone who will not cherish it and treat it as sacred. Rather women need to feel cherished and chosen. While men need to feel as if they are safe sticking their neck out and taking the lead exposing their hearts on a battlefield.
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