Each personality style comes with its own natural graces, as well as, its own particular set of land mines to navigate in the scenario of the first phase of dating. One of the most beautiful things about relationships is as we grow into a couple, we create a new being that is the relationship itself. It’s truly amazing to watch it unfold as a matchmaker. Everybody tends to have 2 dominant flavors within their personality. Of course, our mood will swing through all of the four flavors but we dominate in one flavor closely followed by a second. For the sake of understanding one another and for understanding how to use these tools while getting to know the cute person sitting across from us on a date, can we pick our most dominant two?
I’m thinking it’s a good idea to start with the boldest of the personalities…THE CHIEF. Simply stated the chief is likely to have a managerial position at work. They tend to almost inherently know what they want in life and likely have a plan to attain their goal. Their biggest fear is being taken advantage of and played for a fool. This is often the culprit of blowing up budding relationship. THE CHIEF tends to be more guarded in order to prevent being fooled and there is a false security in thinking that you can weed out the dangers of being hurt by having a screening process. This personality flavor can quickly ditch whatever doesn’t inherently come easy over digging in and having that internal “Come to Jesus” that other personality flavors do with greater ease. THE CHIEF is likely to try to prevent “wasting time” by following the fairly rigid rules that are usually invisible to their dates. The fall out is a risk of committing too quickly to new relationships and committing too quickly to a relationship before it has a chance to reveal all of its complexities.
The cut to the chase approach to dating can easily turn a relaxing date into a seeming interrogation that is hard for our date to digest. I hear this weekly from clients… Visualize a person standing up in the first 10 minutes of meeting you and dumping their purse or murse (man bag) in your lap. Oh, come on! Go with it for a second. Let me count the ways that this strategy has failed me personally as a newbie divorce’. There just isn’t any way to skip the steps in developing trust and understanding. If you are a chronic two dater, think long and hard about how you are revealing your traits and exploring those of your date. Chances are, after the wind returns to your sails, you will find some credence to the shortfalls in this scenario.
There is a grace and steady dignity in scrapping this method entirely and first allowing yourself to be friends, leaving all of your protocols, checklists and standards at home. Natural and easy conversation will bring out the attributes that you desire in a partner and following the rules of past Squeaks stands to yield much different results. This makes our date feel as if we have a series of invisible hoops that they must jump through in order to earn your affection. Who needs that stress in a sea of options? This is very much the opposite of what THE CHIEF desires or deserves in a partner. Full disclosure IS the dating process and absolutely must unfold over the first phase of dating in order to draw dates to us, allowing them to see the depth and strength that THE CHIEF brings to a partnership.
On to THE ENTERTAINER… Like the THE CHIEF, they have some natural charisma that they can ride through awkward social situations. People tend to be very drawn to this flavor. The entertainer is who should teach the classes at The University of Romance. ENTERTAINERS tend to be very emotionally driven and transparent, lending to some natural social grace in the dating arena. Their primary fear tends to be having their emotions manipulated and taken for granted. This flavor doesn’t tend to lead with a purse dump to protect their spirit and avoid pain but may do it simply by being caught up in the moment. They tend to fly by the seat of their pants which can seem irresponsible to a date who doesn’t know them. THE ENTERTAINER will be more likely to use cuteness and deflection to avoid uncomfortable scenarios and can sometimes be misunderstood as manipulative. THE ENTERTAINER is not deceptive, quite the opposite, what you see is what you get. They tend to stay in bad relationships way too long and are at risk of being somewhat of a door mat by virtue of tolerating way too much crap for way too long. Rather than standing up for themselves when red flags emerge, they can easily give their partner the benefit of the doubt and because they wear their emotions on their sleeve, they extend this courtesy to their partner lending to easy manipulation. They see being single as a neon sign of being rejected because their greatest fear is rejection and being alone. THE ENTERTAINER is complemented by someone who understands the precious genuineness of their charisma and who feels a sense of protection of this trait. Following the rules of dating can serve them because it allows them to see the good alongside of the bad of their partner. Keeping their needs in proper perspective and requiring that they be met with the same degree of effort that they bring to a relationship is very important.
THE ATTENDANT is one of the best friends you could have. They are as steady as the gulf stream and are as dependable as they come. You can rely on this flavor of personality without fail. This flavor lends to being very slow to change and therefore isn’t very aggressive in the dating arena. They tend to wait too long to call and often get lumped in the friend pile as a result of not being as apt to pursue or responsive to being pursued. Slowness to open up and shyness can come across as socially awkward if not just a bit boring when not matched in the dating world with another ATTENDANT. The charm and wit of this flavor is in the more subtle variety and tends to unfold over time. The attendant can also run the risk of being a door mat and needs to study the rules of dating and apply them in the correct order to compete adequately in the dating world. Following the communication cadence of a relationship and employing a fake ‘til you make it strategy while you hone your dating skills can literally be the difference between being chosen as a viable partner or left standing on the playground alone. I see many ATTENDANTS abandon their dating hopes and consume themselves in service in another area of life in order to avoid the discomfort required for successful dating. It is also common to see an ATTENDANT wait on the sidelines to be chosen rather than take charge and employ their dating power. THE ATTENDANTS greatest fear is being inadequate but they are at the very heartbeat, the loyalty that we all crave.. The ATTENDANT is well worth the patience required compared to some of the more assertive flavors of personality because there is no flavor more likely to marry once and stay in love through the chapters of a life time.
THE ANALYZER is another personality near and dear to my heart. It’s the analyzers who help sharpen my sword on this journey of defining the modern expectations of dating and expressing the unspoken rules. This flavor tends to over analyze everything. And I mean everything. The term “let it go” came about to serve these dear souls. I am very familiar with this flavor because I am one. My two dominant flavors are CHIEF AND ANALYZER. Analyzers easily fall prey to the WHAT IF’s. Dating anxiety abounds in this group. You will hear me use the term deserve level over and over throughout BeakerSpeaks. Relationships tend to be a valid mirror of where our deserve level lies and THE ANALYZER with a low deserve level is quite frankly, doomed. Luckily, ANALYZERS are the Einsteins of self-introspection and tend to be very coachable. Dating is not meaningful when you analyze from every conceivable angle, predicting every possible outcome. This flavor can come with the skills of arguing from which even the most fortified wall would run. An Analyzer with a healthy deserve level and one who isn’t using the skills of this flavor to prove everyone around them wrong, is usually a ton of fun to talk with due to a wealth of conversational knowledge that is never exhausted. The wounded ANALYZER has to watch out that they aren’t sabotaging their relationship goals by employing their vast accumulation of knowledge to point out their date’s flaws, a method of deflection with the true intent of avoiding self-introspection. If you have ever experienced the residue of feeling mind-frilled by a date, you have met a wounded ANALYZER. The ANANLYZER’s greatest fear is being wrong and of being perceived as stupid. They need a partner who can provide a sense of validation and who naturally employs positive reinforcement. These should are the only flavor who need to take the rules of dating lightly and they need to leave their purses in the car. A great dating strategy for this flavor is to make no decisions about attraction until after the second date. The loyalty of this flavor rivals that of the attendant. They are also extremely understanding of misgivings once explained. The true hurtle here lies in getting through those first few tricky dates.
I hate to beckon the memories of being chosen on the playground for teams but what kind of Dating Coach would I be if lied to you? It would be cool if our soul mates actually imprinted on us werewolf style, but they don’t. We have to make the effort of being interesting and drawing in our mate without being too aggressive and scaring them off or too passive and missing that elusive window of intrigue. I know!! It’s easy to throw our hands in the air and go all Eeyore on the situation, kicking the dirt and saying “Oh Bother!,” It’s worth claiming our power and resisting the urge to be a passive bystander in the crucial decision of choosing a partner to walk through this life with us.
Please take a moment today and comment on this blog and give me an idea of where you land on the spectrum of successful dating. Where does the disconnect of your dating life occur? You can post a comment on the bottom of the blog by clicking on the words “comments.”
What are your dominant flavors and how has it played out in your dating life?
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