How To Date: Just the Basics

  Have you found yourself falling into one relationship after another without having ever given any real thought or effort into dating?  Dating in the manner we use it today is not so much a lost art as an art in development. Somewhere along with the liberation of women and the cultural shift caused by the globalization of our cultures we decided to marry and couple for romantic love rather than survival, and we decided to take the practice of courtship and blend it with a business interview and voila…dating was created. We are now jumping beyond what is expected of us for choosing relationships and into what serves us and our unique life goals.

Today love means having a partner. A support structure and a soul mate. This is a newish term in the concept of what romance is and permanent pair bonding with someone who doesn’t only serve our financial and family role needs but who serves our needs for intimacy intellectually, sexually and emotionally. Essentially the way we utilize the term “dating” for current purposes is to search and evaluate our options for the best possible partners that will grow with us through life and with whom we will grow old.

Not everyone wants or searches for the Leave it to Beaver family roles anymore. We all seem to get through the cultural relevancy in which we are taught what I deem to be the kindergarten version of how to pick a partner and we enter into young adulthood baffled and also befuddled on what to do to actually serve our future. This becomes particularly true when we follow the rules and do things right and stuff falls apart anyway or simply doesn’t happen.

Knowing how to date and being culturally relevant is critical. Faith based principals are very relevant and should not be based in fear and antiquity, or judgment. Rather, based in  love. God id love and there is a soul mate for each and every one of us and our journey is designed to lead us right into their arms. You should develop a perspective both on who does find you attractive, and is therefore within your league, and who does not find you attractive and therefore is not within your league. There are squeaks on this matter in earlier posts.

Everyone has an audience and there is someone for everyone. It is easy when it is right which can lead us to say “What’s with all the rules and nonsense.” However, relationships can go terribly and tragically wrong. Forget the predators (which includes womanizers and their female counterparts) and abusers for a moment and consider that two very good and honest people can find themselves in any number of pitfalls. You need to have self confidence and you need to know what it is that you are looking for in a relationship. This is accomplished through practice.

The very basics of Dating start with looking your best. Regardless of your size, shape or age. You need to be dressed up. Treat this with reverence and as the special occasion that it is.  You are grooming and molding your date on how you expect to be treated through the course of your relationship from the word go. Keep in mind that once you are married after years and years, you may find yourself going back to square one and dating them again in order to recreate some romance. Soo…. Care enough to get it right.

Ladies, it is my opinion that you should always be in a dress and heels. Your hair and make up should always be done. There are exceptions but there are no excuses accepted here. An exception is like this, I am 5 foot 9 and my date is 5 foot 5 so I choose not to wear heels but I also do not throw on old navy plastic flip flops. An excuse is, I don’t like dresses. Who cares, you are dressing for him and men like dresses…and heels. Men search for enduring sexuality and feminity. If he asked you out, then he sees something beautiful in you. If you asked him out, then you are doing it wrong and you need to realize that men will most likely take you for granted if you pursue him.

Men, you need to be in a collared shirt and dress shoes. Your hair needs to be cut and you need to be shaved. The trend for mustaches totally grosses me out and I have had very nice looking and successful men get passed up by ALL, yes ALL, of my members until they shaved their caterpillar. Beards are no good in my opinion either but if you must, a well groomed goatee or well groomed beard will due but makes me shake my head.

Men, open every door including car doors. If she touches a door, you have failed.  If the waiter pulls out a chair and you sit in it, you must then surrender your man card to the nearest Beaker.  Women want a protector and provider so please be manly.

Each of you should have about 5 questions up your sleeve if conversation lags. It’s a good idea to ask questions you would ask anyone and stay away from any point that you might find on a dot com dating profile on the first date. The number one turn off when it comes to first date conversations is having nothing to say, closely followed by feeling like you were just interrogated by a member of the dating FBI.

Here are 5 good and safe options:

1. How was your day?
2. What did you do today?
3. Have you ever been here before?
4. How long have you lived here?
5. How long have you been in your field?

Watch eye contact. If you make them look at the table or at their lap, you are making them feel uncomfortable. You should offer an answer to the questions that you ask regardless of whether or not they ask. If conversation is flowing like a great tennis match then go with it. It is very normal to feel awkward and be uncomfortable on a first date.

You won’t truly start getting to know this person until somewhere around date three or four so be cautious not to probe and dig too much. Until they trust you, you aren’t getting the information you are seeking anyhow. It takes a minute to get comfortable in each others space. Most of us have to grow into dating ninja status and most likely, you will be thinking more about your nerves and yourself than giving your attention to the other person. So, take it easy and slow and do your best to enjoy yourself. If you feel like your gonna ralph, its ok. We all do at first.

We all have an ideal self that we present to new people especially in a dating scenario. This isn’t to say that it is fake, but the natural way to get to know someone starts here. With the things they are comfortable sharing with a stranger. You will most likely collect information about your potential interest in this new person from much more subtle things than what they say to your questions. You will simple like their smile or the way they listen to you talk. Or any number of things that have absolutely nothing to do with the facts about themselves that they share right now.

There is only one first date and if you can answer I don’t know, yes or maybe to the question “Do I want to know more about this person?” A second date is definitely in order.

So, conversation happened and the check comes. Ladies, I always instruct you not to reach for the bill. The guy should take the bill the moment it is dropped and take the lead. I prefer that he pays because he asked you out. If he wants to split the bill then he needs to take the lead and give instructions to the wait staff to split the bill. Always be prepared to pay your own way but I always expect the guy to pay. I also always expect the girl to make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table too. I’m old school that way. It is also a fairly good indicator if you have a man who knows how to take the lead.

Say your goodbyes and I recommend not putting anyone on the spot and asking them out again unless the evening came with that clear and obvious mutual attraction which is so fun. By no means are you to go back to each others homes. Absolutely, no kanoodling. There’s no rules against making out like teenagers but there is no reason to jump ahead of the game either.

Girls, the waiting game kicks in at this point. Guys, it’s a classy move to ask her to text you when she gets home if you didn’t drop her off at her house. It volleys you nicely to reach out and call her the next day. I do not recommend waiting for three days if you are interested. In this day and age if you wait three days, you are sending more of a message that you are not interested and you really should make no presumptions at that point that she would even entertain a call from you.  If you are interested, call her the next day.

A great way to end a first date guys, is to tell her that you had a great time tonight and would love to take her to dinner to get to know her better. Ask her if you can call her tomorrow to make plans. When you do call her the next day, have plans in mind. Don’t leave the decisions up to her. Here is yet another opportunity to take the lead as the guy.

Ladies, men have to stick their neck out and risk getting shot down so when he calls pick up the phone. Don’t play games and if you aren’t interested, thank him for his interest and tell him you are flattered but not feeling a connection. 

Ladies you also have to wait for him to contact you again. No matter what. You can not reach out to him in any way until he reaches out to you. We girls stink at waiting around but this is just how it is. You can not start wearing the pants and taking the lead and you have to give him room to be a dude. Guys need time to go away and process an experience. You also have no right to assume that you are the only one he is dating until you two mutually agree to be exclusive. This could take awhile so be patient. The flip side is that you have the ability to date whom ever you please as well.

Do you see why you wouldn’t want to jump in the sack with someone until you are sure you are in a long term monogamous relationship that is headed somewhere besides the heartbreak hotel?

Troubelsome Cases

What do you do when you found a great soul who is so worthy of your adoration but whose past has left them tattered and bruised…and skeptical…and broken. Do you love them through it? Should you run?

Do you stay? Love them through it? This is tricky territory my dear one. This ground simply is not for rookies. You have to have the battle bruises and war torn prowess to navigate the dark lands. What I am telling you here is fact. I will not mince words. This simply can not be handled by the JV squad. If you are not willing and able to lose the game and have your face plastered on the news as a result, then you have a bye. This one is simply not for you. In the spectrum that is life after heart break you learn pieces of this side of heaven that can not be handled by the untrained.

Those of us with appropriate clearance are nodding our head in the know. If you feel that twinge, then my dear sweet soul, Run Forrest!!!!

I myself have been broken beyond the rules. That part in the bible where we are told you could be hunted and circled like a tiger by evil...yea, he was in my kitchen.  When he couldn’t make me cower in the corner and steal my world with threats, he picked me up off of the ground by my throat and slammed my head into my cabinets so hard that if I wasn’t quite sure I was taking one of my last breathes, I would have passed out. Luckily, my God and my sensei made sure that I knew what to do in that moment and when he saw I wasn’t going to lay down and die...don’t you know that he ran like a little kitty that he is!!

When you live through something like this, not only have you stared evil eye to eye but you walk through the rest of your days knowing so. It plays out in ways that are so complicated. Your ability to trust and accept in relationships again takes hard work. We are taught to keep that which does not belong in polite society buried away and I am telling you that fact is the screwdriver on the tool belt of evil. It is the go to that evil will not leave home without. I am also here to tell you that there is life and LOVE after the darkness does its best to consume you.

Please listen to what I am about to say to you. Please imagine that my hands are wrapped around your cheeks and that I am there to hug you because you deserve it. What happened to you happened to you and in no conceivable way happened because of you. We like quippy answers for life. Life on life’s terms deserves so much more than quippy, half-witted answers. The slogans come after the cycle of life has occurred. Once you have earned, lived and learned the crap that hunts us in life, then you “get” the slogans.

I am not trying to throw quippy half-witted crap at you today. In the moments we have together what I want you to walk away and begin to consider is this… if you are still here with me, then that tells me that life has already tried its best to kill you. First degree murder can happen to our soul and spirit just as much as it can to our bodies.

Relationships and love are the closest thing we see to the face of God and is the very breathe of time and energy. Love unites us all. We may call God by different names and we may bicker over politics, money and religion but unless we are true sociopaths we each know LOVE, and we sense that God is love. We know the passion that it creates and the power that it holds.

Some of us have to live in spite of it and in hope of it. Here is where we go with that.

You unfortunately have to learn and accept that in spite of what you have survived, the rules do in fact apply to you. You also have to learn first, how to trust yourself. Although these are easy sentences to write, they are very in depth life lessons and concepts to grasp and assimilate. If that makes you take a deep breathe or gives you heart burn, I urge you to take some time to kick that around the mental yard. Return when you have. It’s ok if this collects dust while you do.

You are not less valuable because of what you have survived, you are better equipped. You need to know this my dear, because you will send mixed messages to those who want to care about you. You will keep them at a distance out of fear that when they see the you that has earned the trophies and can prove it wit the scars, that they will see something war torn instead of someone adorable. NOT TRUE!!! They will see the warrior and the true diva. They will cherish it and they will protect it. You didn’t get here by mistake…maybe through mistakes, but never by mistake.

Just don’t be dumb. Don’t miss it. There are not unlimited chances and all of them require risk. When you follow the rules and the process, then with wisdom you will proceed. Being afraid to get hurt again is reality and being selfish in hurting others out of that fear is a rookie mistake. At that point, you have to turn in your gun and your badge. Return to training and try again. When you can respect yourself and your new shiny friend with the same respect or more as yourself, then you are getting started. When you can listen and hear their needs and be willing to make time and move mountains to be the person that does that for them...Eureka!!! You’ve got it my dear. You are a card carrying member of the varsity squad.

You do need to proceed with caution because you may run into those on JV squad. Don’t try to coach them to varsity. Watch for snakes!!! Look out for alligators. But dare to love and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are being prepared for the person who is being prepared for you. And dear God! Do not let them go when you find them. Treat them like the precious soul they are and when necessary grab hold and hold on…Love is not always the skip through the chocolate factory that we want it to be and when treated with the correct discernment and reverence that it deserves, It is ALWAYS the light at the end of the tunnel and port in the storm that we need. It then gets to be the fun times in life too.  Love yourself first. Keep and update your moral inventory and then have the balls to let yourself be Loved. Dare to be adored and demand to be cherished. You, darlin’ are so very worth it!!