The whole reason that BeakerSpeaks is out of a conversation with a a collective
group of singles who have been far enough down the winding road of life to have
fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole of what we thought our love life would
bring us, and what it has actually brought to our life. In the big middle of the
mess we need to sort out what happened in the first place. We have a handle on
the rules in this game and here we gather to get it right once and for all.
I tend to find more folks with their heart in their hand as
a result of someone being vicious and irresponsible. I typically don’t find the
cheaters or manipulators on the other side of my desk. Rather I find the disillusioned and those hanging
on the brink of giving up on love all together. Nope the scoundrels don't show up! I find the war torn souls
who may have a healthy dose of responsibility to account for in a failed
relationship but it is usually love’s victims in my office. No doubt, it is
because I can relate. Hopefully it is because I have a big ass sword and am
willing to help them cut through the jungle of broken and shattered dreams to
rebuild hope and dare to find and accept love again. Are you there yet? Do you know that you deserve to be loved and adored and more so, can you allow it?
Taking responsibility for what is yours and what you need to
deal with in order to become a person who can both look at life with a healthy
perspective on life’s terms and who can…..forgive me here… suck it up, put your
big girl panties on (yes, men you too) and take the risk of being loved again. This
takes many things into factor not the least of which requires introspective
soul searching…some of us call this prayer.
It takes practice. Getting back out there and defining what
it is that you need and deserve. You should read The 5 You Can’t Live Without if you have not from BeakerSpeaks. I am a huge fan of a Dating Strategy when you find yourself single and standing in a
messy pile of your life.
Here’s a big picture of what this should look like: You should
grieve. Throw a wall eyed hissy fit. Bitch, moan, groan, whine all of it.
Otherwise our stoic nature turns our heart to ice and you will miss out on
critical aspects of your own life. You have not a hope or a prayer of being vulnerable and sincere to someone new if you can not go there with yourself. You don't need to protect yourself from love, you need to protect yourself from that one relationship. Now, do you really want to give the one who
broke you that much power over your future? Do you really wish to allow that
person the power to choose the quality of your next relationship?
We all have a tendency to seek closure when something has
ended. Often times we drain so much energy into trying to get some heartless
bitch or some waste of a dbag to listen to our broken heart and offer some semblance
of compassion and recognition. Chances are this isn’t going to happen. When it
does not I say, write it down. Purge your thoughts and feelings and DO NOT GIVE
IT TO THEM. Disengage with them, don’t seek them out and do not respond to
them. Seriously! Set a timer. Allow yourself a defined amount of time to pout
and then redefine your 5 non-negotiables (which you will find instruction to in
The 5 You Can’t Live Without). Make a
concerted and purposeful decision to reclaim your power and prepare to allow
yourself another chance to be loved. It is a conscious decision.
Next, it’s Time To Recalibrate.
Men and women have very different approaches to this and I will simply caution
both to resist the urge to heal through becoming a turbo whore. No amount of
notches on your belt will stop your ex from ripping your heart out of your
chest and handing it to you while beating. Men heal on the field. They need the
thrill of the chase and the victory of landing their mission. They need to go
from slumming it with easy targets to finding people who rightly shock them
that they earned her attention. Ladies will do the same from a different angle
because women find power in being the object of affection but the process is analogous.
Men will also tend to go back to the emotional place where they met their ex.
My brother and I just laugh about our single journey and the little nuggets of
hilarious that it has brought us. He acted 22 for a while and rebuilt his sense
of manhood which had been stolen from him by someone who repeatedly belittled
him and hurt his soul. The point being that women may tend to process
internally, reinvent themselves and then reengage, men have a different
approach and both are equally necessary and OK. We will dive into this process
much more in Squeaks to come.
You will start to see a change in yourself once the
recalibration phase is over. The thrill of the chase will become less appealing
and you will find yourself wanting that person to wake up next to on Sunday mornings
and spend the slow moments of life on the back deck doing absolutely nothing. Realizing this is a eureka moment but the journey is still on, wanting it and waiting for
it can lead to a few mistakes known as regretful relationships. I have found
great joy in seeing my people go from feeling like a kid in the candy store to
finding the person who fits like a glove.
There is also the anvil on the head of realizing that you
are in fact Dating Below Your Deserve
Level. You know if you are dating below your deserve level because
something is tugging at either the strings attached to your heart or the ones
attached to your head. You’ll want to bring your helmet and pads for this one,
this squeak is a doozie.
Once you know what you want and who you don’t want, you will
find a peace in being single until the right circumstances come along. We have
developed through study and practice a relationship cadence that just unfolds
when we get it right. The Phases of Dating
just do what they do all the way into a relationship. I apologize for throwing
these concepts at you without the necessary explanation of where they came from
and what they entail, but for today it’s the order of business. I need for you
to have a grasp on what is normal in the game of dating. I also need for you to
know where you are in your journey so we can adequately take a look at your dating road map
and where X marks the spot. As promised, we will look at each of these aspects and
as always the conversations and shared experience will unfold. You are always
welcome to message me privately if you do not wish to comment publicly.
You will learn through the practice of dating where your
boundaries lie. You will learn how to allow your heart to take a risk and you
will learn who is safe to allow near your bumps and bruises. My dear friends you
will survive this journey through a personal hell of sorts and if you can be
brave enough to just not give up, to not allow your heart and soul to turn to
stone, you will find firm ground. You will find wonderful people who teach you
how to be you along the journey. You will find someone who loves you and
cherishes you exactly for who you are and you will find the one who loves you
unconditionally and without measure.
